Belated Merry Christmas

Despite the usual family drama that comes with the holidays, I had a very good Christmas. I got 5 dolls in total. 4 Monster High and 1 Pullip doll I'd been wanting, but always talked myself out of.

Black Diamond

Out of everyone this year it was Daddy that surprised me most. For one, he's had a rough year. I wasn't expecting much at all from him and had prepared myself for that. I was surprised to not only get a gifty but a couple and nothing video game related!!! Ok... maybe there was one thing, but even that was meant to appeal to my little side because there where instructions to get little appropriate gamies for my 3DS! :D I knew for sure I had a Monster High doll, what one was anyone's guess, but I opened a create a monster pack that had 2 dollies i have not had yet! So I have an art project now. Miss Diamond was different because I had taken the doll off of my Amazon wishlist about a week or so ago because I'd talked myself out of her. And yet, she's coming and it's only because she isn't a froofroo girly pink doll!

This Christmas was a bit of a milestone as it was the first I felt comfortable enough with myself to be little. This went from singing Christmas music when in little head space (which thankfully only one person witnessed!) to staying up tracking Santa on Christmas Eve. I was open about this and heck! I even wore my sleeper I made! I even didn't pay much attention when a family member, who'd I'd not seen in several months, poked fun at the fact I spent a day in my sleeper, with my teddy and a sippy cup watching cartoons. Well, at least I didn't show it outwardly.

There where things however, that brought me down. Christmas is general a hard time for me mentally, even with this year being as fun as it was. There where still those dark moments of doubt and fear and shame. While I know why they are there and what triggered them, for the most part I've tried to not focus on those things. I know that I will need to sort them out. Right now I'm just proud of the fact I didn't let them drain the fun out of the holiday.

I hope you and yours had a magical holiday season and have a bright new year. :)

Another foot update

I have one of those big life changing blogs to post, but it's one of those ones I don't want to be more normal rambling stuff. So it's still in the works. I am due for an update though.

I was cleared to walk without the boot full time last Wednesday. I was ecstatic. I missed shoes and matching socks. While this did mean a funeral for all the single ones I’ve been wearing that have lost mates over the years, I really wanted to wear shoes again on both feet. I was told I could jump back in and not worry about it. Now when I told my physical therapist this, they were not pleased. There was concern; they urged me to get a light brace for my ankle and to still limit my time on my feet. Thursday was Thanksgiving. This is my second favorite holiday and not because of feasting (I HATE turkey) but because I get to cook, a lot. My turkey takes 24 hours in total. That’s from making the brine to having it carved and on the table. I ended up making the whole dinner. 5 hours of kitchen time, dancing and singing and all around enjoying myself. By the end of dinner though, I was in too much pain to even walk. I literally crawled to my room once out of sight of people. I was packed in ice and grounded to the couch until I crawled to bed later that night.

I was off my feet most of Friday. Saturday I did shopping with my mom, and again, pain crept up on me. Couched again with ice. Sunday and Monday I was suddenly having horrible lower back pain as well as my left hip and thigh breaking out in spasms of intense pain. I tried to blame it on other things, the makings of a kidney infection, the chairs at work, my shoes, ANYTHING but my foot.

Tonight at physical therapy, I was pushed really hard. I was pushed to the point I was in tears and flat out said that I could not do anymore. I couldn't do what they wanted me too at all. I told them about the back and pain in my leg and they said I wasn't ready to be on my feet as much as I normally am. I still have to take it easy.

I'm not a wimp by any means. This whole experience has proven to many people my pain tolerance, but it took everything I had to not cry at therapy tonight. Not just because of pain either, but because I'm so frustrated with this. I hate having a limit. When I got home, it was Mad Hatter jammies and teddy and once dinner is done, I’m back down with the heating pad.

My dad had brought up going to see King Tut next week and doing our Seattle adventure, but after tonight at therapy, I was told to not attempt it unless we drove and I not be on my feet for more than an hour at a time, maybe 2 at max. While there are other issues around things with that, I’m still rather devastated I might not get to see it. I’ve tried to not admit it to myself or let it get to me, at least not since my pity party in October. It's December and the holidays, I want to do my yearly shopping day downtown and get my favorite treats and walk the market and go to the toy stores and while I think I can swing it, I’m scared to go alone. I'm sorry this is such a rant, but everything is still so fresh in my mind. This hurts my heart and I want a cuddle.

2nd round of therapy and little things

Finished my second round of physical therapy tonight. Last time I was majorly sore once the ice wore off and am curious to see how tonight goes. While I’ve been walking around more and for longer periods of time without the boot, it still gets painful after a while. I haven’t been living on pain meds of any kind though. Maybe that’s the masochist in me.

I’ve been trying really hard to be good to myself. I haven’t felt the need to elevate my foot while at work on another chair, though I’ve been using a turned over garbage can as a foot rest. I’m scared to wear a shoe on that foot still. I’m REALLY scared I’m going to turn it again, even if I am in my shape-ups. 

Surgery was brought up again tonight, but I told them I really wanted to hold off until the left one is looked at more. Even while working today, I could tell I was leaning more heavily on the current injured foot. I also decided that I really don’t want surgery until I move. While I know that sounds stupid, there have been reminders since this happened that my family isn’t super supportive and understanding that I’m limited. Then I go and push myself too far to do everything they expect me to do. Well… I shouldn’t generalize that. It’s mainly my dad. Between my foot and my cat, it’s just reminders of why I have a hard time here. It’s hard to say I’m scared and I want this to heal right without hearing ‘get over it.’ It was that attitude that left me with a limp from my left foot. I’d like to think I’ve learned my lesson since then.

It was also a good reminder as to why I always looked for a daddy figure. Yes, I know I have some daddy issues, at the same time I’m a little girl inside that wants to play and color and occasionally build a fort in the living room. At the same time, I know when to be big. If I could now, Korick would be waiting at the front door for when I came home and there would be a sippy cup of cranberry juice in the fridge every night when I got home. That’s not even a daddy thing but more a comfort to my little self when I’ve had an ick day. I just want quite for a little bit and comfort something I didn’t get today when I got home from therapy. There was comfort in my sketch book… even though that was in short bursts as my hand would allow… I hate being fucking crippled!!!

Through all of this though, I’ve decided my neck project for my little self will be footy jammies. I’m actually really excited for this one. I’ll have to find just the right fabric for such a thing and it must match the pink binky!

Halloween

Well, after a month of complete and total ick, today turned around completely. I was ready to just skip the month of October all together.

I had an appointment this morning for my ankle and was scared to death I was going to hear I've furthered damaged it. The good news is that I didn't! I'm healing well and will be starting physical therapy this week or next.

After recent events with my kitty Simba, my parents decided he is no longer welcome in the house. I was being pushed to take him to a shelter. After much searching, asking and pleading, one of my adopted mom's agreed to take him in and foster him until I am able to get my own place. I'll still get to see him and I know he will be safe. I also see this as a huge incentive to get my tail in gear to get money together to move.

After my appt this morning, I was still fairly shattered mentally about my precious kitty. I was set on not celebrating Halloween this year at all or ever again. Daddy Shadow had taken me to my appointment and I decided we where going to breakfast since he was just off work and I was so depressed. We had breaky at Poverty Bay and then went and wondered the mall. He got me to laugh and smile but got more worried when I turned down a Coke.

I admitted to not sleeping and that my stomach was starting to go to heck again and all around the physical side of all the stress lately was catching up. There was scolding and rules enforced and all that jazz. I think last night was the worst of it outside of the heart attack like panic attack towards the start of the month. I really want to get back to my normal.

Once things had settled and I knew my kitty was going to be ok, I went to work carving my pumpkin (that I've had for 2 weeks now) and all around getting back into the Halloween spirit.  My vampire princess costume never got made because of the depression, so, I took Alice out of the closet and decided that the Megatron boot I have to wear would be because I had a hard trip down the rabbit hole this last time. Hair done, contacts in and my one knee high stocking on, I was good to go for Halloween.

I decided nothing was scarier then Pinkie Pie

I'm proud of this considering how fast I worked on it.

Alice in her Megatron Boot. It's a pain in the tail running to the door to greet kids but DAMN IT!!! Someone has to do it! I'll have to ice my ankle later anyway, might as well be worth it!

All in all, I'm happy to be done with my pity party. Let's hope I never again have an October as bad as this one has been.

Another year

Another year has passed and while my objective was to make this birthday a positive one, every plan I or anyone else seemed to make fell through. I spent much of the day with my sewing machine, which really wasn’t a bad thing I guess. The highlight though was a phone call from a dear friend. She’s been such a huge help since I messed up my ankle.

On the whole ankle thing, I can walk without the crutches… mostly. My balance sucks though without at least one of them. I can be on my feet some, but in all honestly it feels like my ankle is made out of jelly. After doing some research last night (and seeing some scary surgery pictures) I’m a little more concerned about it now. I know whatever is done with this ankle, will most likely have to be done with the other down the road.

If I make it out this weekend, I might try and pick up a new doll… or I might just order one… or possibly pay off my Adventure Time game. I’m not sure yet. I want out of this funk though. No more bad news or ruined plans. I’m ready for October to be over.

Something kind of fun and depressing all at the same time. I love Adventure Time, more importantly Marceline. Anyway, since this episode aired, I've watched it every day. Yes I'm a sap and cry, but these two songs really touch me. A show that makes no sense should not touch you in the feels like this!

Ankle Update

After much drama and crying (office er referred me too told me they could not see me for 2 weeks, to stop using my crutches and that I'm fine. All diagnosed from the RECEPTIONIST over the phone. I was floored) I got in with an orthopedic doctor closer to home. After spending the weekend drugged mostly out of my pretty little head, Monday at work I tried walking on it. Got home in a great deal of pain and vowed to use the crutches. Tuesday, was still waiting to hear back from the office I was referred too, was really trying to be good, but things went down the hill quickly. I was in pain. I've sprained my ankle many times before, but this was a new type of pain. While I do have a high pain tolerance, it was getting to be to much. It was passed the fun point.

After phone drama with the office I was referred too, my manager told me I need to see someone ASAP, which was in my discharge notes. She told me to find any office that would take the L & I claim and she'd work on her end with the paperwork. I called a place close to home, explained my store and they got me in the next day. I wanted to hug the scheduler and the doctor that was on call who agreed to see me after hearing my story.

The doctor couldn't believe the crappy boot I was put in. He wrote me a perscription for a much better fitting one that is actually more of a pain to walk in. So I'm doing more of what i should have been doing over the past few days

So today, I went and finally saw a doctor, who was WONDERFUL! My ankle is fractured and I've torn the ligaments in it. He said surgery might be something down the road, after a little more healing and physical therapy. He is hesitant though because of the history with my other foot and surgery would require me to have to put my weight on my left leg for 6 weeks. I like this doctor, not only because of his quick work ethic, but he was very informative and didn't use big words. I am considering seeing him after my right foot is more settled to get a long overdue second opinion with my left foot. Something I've put off out of fear of what might have to be done with it. Having my feet injured has been my greatest fear for a very long time. And this was something stupid. So stupid and this doctor joked that I should have made up a better story. That I dove to save a little old lady from rolling away in a wheelchair. Anything would sound cooler then getting up out of a chair and rolling my ankle in the way I did.

So, I'm to keep off of it as much as possible. Use the crutches at the most 2 weeks or until I can walk on it without crippling pain. The boot is going to be my friend for the next 4 - 6 weeks. At least this one looks less stupid. After 2 weeks I meet with the doctor again and possibly start physical therapy. Let's see how well this goes.

Broken Bones

So, Friday at work, right after lunch, I slipped and fell. After much convincing from a friend and the office manager, I was wheeled over to the ER. While I was still convinced it was just a sprain and they would wrap it and send me on my way, I was told that I'd fractured my ankle on top of a really bad sprain. So, I have to meet with an orthopedic doctor next week and am stuck in a stupid boot and on crutches.

Needless to say, this sucks. This was also on my good foot. 4 or 5 years ago I was in a hit and run, which has left me with issues with my left foot. I'm worried about having to put my full weight on that foot. I also realized that my pain tolerance is stupidly high.

I kept up the big girl front up until the weight of the ice pack suddenly was painful, this was about an hour into my field trip. Once the pain set in, I cried and whined and really really wished I worked closer to home. While I wave wonderful friends that watched out for me while at work, I honestly wanted Shadow there. He's recovering from surgery himself and I'm about an hour and a half from home.

So I'm hoping that the specialist will say I'm fine and free me from the boot and crutches and that I can pretend this didn't happen.

My Guilty Pleasure

Sunday morning has become the day to snuggle on the couch with a sippy cup of juice, my teddy and a blanky to watch cartoons. It’s my recovery time from the week so to speak. Heehee. 

I’ve been feeling more like myself again finally. Which has been bad for my bank account. Ania boo likes to buy toys and there is one collection of mine that, big or little, I have to pick up when I find a new doll.

I’ve been collecting Monster High dolls now for over a year I think. My first was, of course, the first run of Draculaura. She is my favorite of the group to where I have a few others of her dolls. But the first run of her (this means she was made before they switched them to being jointed at the hips. First runs where put together with elastic in their hips which often broke when trying to change their shoes) was the very very first for me. She’s pink, has piggy tails and is a vampire. What isn’t there to love! Well… her voice in the cartoons bothered me at first, but that’s even grown on me.

From left to right, standing, Abby, Cupid, Lagoona, Ghoulia, Draculaura. Sitting, Rochelle, Frankie.

Ghoulia was next and it wasn’t long before I found Lagoona and Frankie. Lagoona was my first to customize. Out of the box, her hair felt horrid. She ended up getting a boil perm to get the curls back that she needed. I still toy with giving her another one and trimming the ends of her hair. It’s still a tad frizzy.

After that, I was on a quest for Cupid. Abby was always in the back of my mind and then Rochelle. Cupid was the first I found. I love her even more once she was out of the box. The details on her where amazing. Officially, I’d been hunting for her for about 6 months from the time she was released. After getting her, I set my sites on finding Rochelle. I had people looking for them at this point.

At Wal-Mart yesterday, and on a whim, my mom and I were searching the toy aisles. After finding her first one for me a few weeks ago, she’d gotten a bit hooked on finding them. So as we’ve hunted, I’ve told/shown what dolls I’m looking for and what style exactly. When we stumbled upon the Monster High section yesterday, we were met by many dolls I haven’t even seen yet. Robecca and Venus were the only ones we spotted out of the regular dolls. I saw the new Ghouls Rule Draculaura and had her in hand. Then I found Abby and I snatched her up (I had never seen this doll until yesterday. I had given up hope of ever finding her in her everyday clothes. Yesterday, I found 4 between 2 stores.) As I dug through the display, hoping against home I’d find a Rochelle, I settled I’d be leaving with Ula D and Abby. Mom was still lobbying for me to take Robecca and part of me thinks I should have said to hell with it and grabber her too. I happened to look down and there was Rochelle, just sitting there in plain sight on top of the Create a Monster packs. There was squealing and jumping. I put back Ula D (Draculuara) and snatched up Rochelle, hid her and Abby under cat food in my cat and ran. It was the best high ever having my prize. Then the panic attack set in I was in Wal-Mart on the weekend before school and it was chaos.

My catch. Rochelle (pink box) and Abby (blue box)

Why dedicate a post to Monster High dolls on my little blog you ask? For one, I adore them and the message they give to little girls. They teach tolerance. This is a series based in the girls’ high school. They are all different, ranging from sea monsters, vampires, werewolves and even robots. They’ve even been in a campaign in real life to encourage others to not bully and be tolerant of others. How do you not love that?

I grew up in a period where all we had was Barbie. If I had had these, maybe I would have felt better about being different. Maybe the self-hating and the eating disorder wouldn’t have taken hold of me at a young age.

While these have been a bit of a money suck, it’s more about the adventure of finding them for me. There are rules. I don’t order them online. For one, they cost more often times. Also, I’ve heard horror stories about ordering from places like Wal-Mart or K-Mart (where they are often found cheapest) that the dolls will be thrashed or they won’t even send the right doll. I love the hunt of this. I love proudly tell the people at the register to bag the doll separate and to not squish her. I love claiming that they are mine and not for a niece.

Out of all the ones I have, the one I love most, I didn’t buy. She was bought for me for my birthday last year. She doesn’t live on her stand or even on the shelf with the other girls. She often will come along in my purse. She doesn’t wear her stock clothes even and she often will join me in the tub to play with bubbles. She is a Dead Tired Draculaura that my Daddy bought for me last year for my birthday. While I play with all my dolls a little, this Ula D speaks to me the most. I see her as a little like me. Maybe it’s those piggy tails or her jumper dress, but I look at her and see me and it makes me feel better on those rough days of being big too long.

My sweet little Dread Tired Ula D. She sleeps with me, travels with me and on this occasion, came to work with me for a friends last day. She's hiding from the sun here.