Going to work with Mama!

Hey guys! I meant to post this sooner but with Mama's surgery and her not leaving me the passwords for the computer, I didn't get a chance before she'd left! Mama is resting loads and Korick went with her like planned, but Mama will be writing about that on her main blog. In the meantime, I'm going to tell you about my adventure to work with her!

We got up super early and I got to wear my pretty Lolita dress. I asked Mama to wear her's so we could be twins, but she said that she couldn't get away with her frills at her job unless it was Halloween.

We got to ride in her work's vanpool! Mama is the first stop so she gets to ride in the front seat! I tried to take this picture of traffic but the van was always bumpy! Mama said this was really light traffic compared to what she deals with every other day.

It was super foggy too! I tried to get a pic of the Seattle skyline but you can't even see it! I promise the Space Needle and the Great Wheel and the stadiums are in there! They are just lost in the clouds, which was still really cool.

When we got to Mama's work, the fog had started to burn off. This is a picture of the hospital. The brick building with the flag pole in front of it is the main hospital, where mom got me coffee from! The one ahead of it is a bunch of smaller clinics. Mama jokes that the hospital will be the site of a zombie outbreak. She says it's super creepy in the fog and we're located directly across from a graveyard. An OLD graveyard, but more on that laters.

Mama said she had to go work the front counter for a little while first thing so she left me at her desk in back... well... she left me at her friend's desk in back. I decided to try and help PettiePet do some work... except I have no idea what any of them do! They call the office Medical Records and there are old dusty charts and they play music. The people that work there, not the records. Though that would be SUPER COOL!!! It was really boring actually. I filled in for mom as best as I could.

People where stopping by and leaving cards for Mama though. They would see me and comment on my cuteness and leave the cards with me. So I guess I was helpful a little! I also almost got stolen by a guy in Mama's vanpool! He'd made it to the door before she noticed. I was so scared!!! I didn't know if Mama would find me again! I remember the stories JillyBean had told me about the people that worked there stealing her!

By lunch time Mama was really stressed. So I asked if we could go explore the graveyard for a little bit. Mama's friend Carebear actually insisted that we go when I suggested it. So I was packed into my bag and we went on and adventure to 'visit the neighbors'.

 We entered the graveyard at the Jewish cemetery. We found a grave for this little girl on the main path. Mama asked her if she'd mind having her picture taken with me. Mama said it would be good since she was so young when she left this plane to have a brief cuddle with someone so pink and cuddly.

 I then found the most awesome tree!!! I see my cousin Thomas Marshal climb trees all the time so i hiked up my skirt and climbed up best I could! It was so cool and I managed to not get dirty! Mama says if I want to contiue this climbing trees thing, we will need to find me shoes. Slippers don't count either :(

 I saw this angel and wanted to have my picture taken with her. It was really high up though! Mama was on her tip toes to help me up and Mama is tall!

 See how high up I am!!!

 Next Mama said we needed to visit one of her Daddy markers. She said she has a lot that she's found but, this one is special. He was the first she found. She stops by and talks to him now and then. So I decided to lay next to him and whisper some secrets that Mama couldn't hear. He's a very good listener! Mama says she has pictures of all her Daddy markers and a map that shoes where about they are. It was a project she gave herself when she was taking the bus and had time to kill in the morning.

 Next place Mama wanted to go was also really special to her. It's called the Tower of Chimes. It's a military monument with a huge hill with pretty white markers for people who've served in different branches of the military. Mama has a soft spot for military men.

 I found another tree to climb on the way there. You can see me tail!

 There are 2 cannons that mark the entrance to the tower. Mama wouldn't let me climb inside. There where spiders. I don't want spiders in my undies!!! I talked with the soldiers for a little bit and walked around the towers. It's way up on a hill so we could look down on everything. It was really pretty.

 Mama says this is a Fairy Tree! She stops by and makes a wish on it every time she's in the graveyard. I decided I wanted a picture standing under it. It had such lovely energy.

This was in front of a family shrine. Mama says there is a whole part of the cemetery dedicated to asian cultures, but we wouldn't have time to make it over today.

 There was a little garden area just behind the shrine with a little pond and my size waterfall. This was on the bridge over the water. Mama said the water needed to be cleaned. It smelt like a dirty fish tank!

 You can't see it here, but the water is between me and mom as I posed on this marker. It had a lovely little bench to sit on so you could talk with the angel.

 We passed by this mouse marker! I had to have a picture in front of it! How cool is this mouse!!!

 Full marker.

 This pyramid marks another section of the cemetery. Mama said it was Greek orthodox. A long time ago, Mama said she use to feed 2 crows that would meet her at the front gate. She'd named them Apollo and Demeter. She said she doesn't go to the pyramid anymore after finding Apollo at the base of it. Mama did say that the pyramid it's has an interesting history. It use to be a little altre area but the inside has been left to ruin. There where pictures of saints inside at one time but have long since rotted away. It's kind of sad... Mama said that there are a few of the pieces still inside, but the doors are chained shut so you can't get in. You get lucky sometimes and they are open enough to peek in. But again, Mama refused to get closer because of the memory of her lost feathered friend.

It was about this time that Mama looked down at her phone and realized we only had 2 minutes of lunch left. This meant that we didn't get to see some of the other things she'd talked about :( I was really disappointed but I didn't want Mama to get in trouble at work. I took this picture of Mama's building to show that she really is neighbors with the graveyard. The windows to her office are the second floor ones and covered by the trees. It was kind of cool!

So we returned to the work thing where Mama stressed more and I was BOOOOORED. So so bored... I did take a nap though.

Did i show you the coffee I got though! It's a venti pumpkin spice latte and it was HUGE!!! Like... really huge! Mama said I had to share. I've never seen so much coffee!!! Who drinks this much coffee!?! Mama then explained it's the only way she's been making it through work the last month or so with everything she's had to deal with. She also managed to spill a whole one of these on someone super important at the hospital. She says it was because of her bad hand but... I don't know... >_>

OH!!! Most importantly!!! Mama gave me my own log in to post with for the blog!!! Now things will be under my name! She said I might even be able to get my own bookface account like Lambie!!

Sakura Bunny

I did a little sewing today. A highly detailed little bit of sewing that I'm insanely proud of.

My sweet little Sakura Bunny got her lolita dress. I've wanted so bad to sew lately, but have been in and out of a funk between my hand and ankle, that I truly needed this little bit of therapy. I actually made a dress like this for myself a few years back. My mind has always seen my little self in that dress full of frills and lace. She still needs proper lolita shoes and stockings. It even has a hole for her tail to come out the back. It's all one piece and has velcro.

Again, an insane amount of work. I can barely hold scissors let alone a rottery cutter. A lot of the cutting was rough, then sewn down and the trimmed after. I love her to bits now. I've had her a few months now and at first I just wasn't sure of my Sakura Bunny. But now I see her as me. Korick has been getting days off on the weekends and Sakura Bunny comes out with me and hides over at Daddy's. We watch LambieCam and play dress up (because of course Sakura Bunny is aquiring a wardrob!)

So this dress was a little important. I need to look at my Sakura Bunny and know she's a reflection of me. She's the proper young lady and the frilly twirly little girl that watches My Little Pony. Now she just needs some frilly jammies and a tiara.

Littles and anxiaty

Oh to be little and have a panic attack! That was a good chunk of my afternoon today! If you follow my art blog at littlenightengale.com, you know about the issues going on with my right hand. Well today was my MRI and while the adult side of me is ready to have an answer to years of pain, the little side had something else to say entirely.

I’ve battled anxiety since I was young. There was a brief period where it had won over and I couldn’t leave the house, but I’m a fighter. People don’t understand what kind of place you’re in when EVERYTHING scares you. I understand that. It wasn’t until recently I had opened up about those months to my Daddy. It’s been a long battle, but I have gotten a lot better with managing it without medication. When I think back on the huge change since then, I do feel proud. Anyway, back to my story!

While in my adult mind I was ready for this and for answers, the little side went into a panic. I’ve had an MRI before. Other than being really loud, it’s not a huge deal, but 30 minutes before my appointment, I was scared to death. I felt the attack building and I kept trying to talk myself out of it. I walked across the parking lot to the main hospital and got upstairs. While the receptionist had no idea until I told her (we always recognize our own!) that I was freaking out. She was awesome though and took longer then she should have checking me in, which was cool. I got a new drink recipe out of it. While I waited to be taken back, I kept trying to text Daddy. I was still trying to hide the panic at this point. This was a public place. I had to keep the big girl pants on until I could lock myself in the empty office back at work. I had no reception on my phone (damn hospital network!!!) and it was now 10 minutes after my appointment and I was still in the waiting room.

Finally, another receptionist came out and said she was taking me to another MRI area. As we walked, she kept apologizing for the inconvenience. I explained that I worked for a clinic across the street. Emergencies happen and I understand completely, I was just happy I was still able to be seen. I have a habit of being super chatty. I am happy where I work and how great the hospital is so I will talk up others outside of my own clinic when I get the chance. This helped get my mind of the growing panic and little outburst I felt coming. I was scared my voice would switch on me and I’d be talking like a toddler. I don’t always noticed this switch. I did not want it to happen in such a public area!

The receptionist continued to explain that this MRI machine was newer and also reserved for MS patients. This brought the panic on again because that’s another diagnoses that has been thrown around with my problem. The switch in rooms was a blessing though. The office was quiet and empty. It was so much warmer then the main hospital diagnostic testing area. There were only 2 techs working this office. Except for another patient, it was empty. The tech that first greeted me was so nice and sunny. When I was taken back to change, the little side realized this was a safe place. I had been given scrubs to change into, which excited me to no end. I have never worn real scrubs before, so to me, this was dress up. I took pictures and pretended to be a medical assistant like my hero Worky Brenda.

I was still panicking and this office had no reception at all. So I still couldn’t text Daddy. To stop further panic and possible tears, Hope came out of my purse and was in my scrubs pocket. More pictures. I really can’t say way this helped, but it did in a huge way. I got to play. The sunny tech took me back for the test and I met sunny tech 2. While they swept a metal detector over me, they asked if I wanted to keep my little friend with me. I was surprised by this because I was going to ask them if they minded holding on to Hope. The tech swept the metal detector over her and said she was fine to take the test with me. She then asked if I what I wanted to listen to since the machine was so loud. While I expected this, when I was told I had my choice on Pandora Radio, my little self started screaming for Disney. I held that request. They offered a mask and misted it with lavender and when I was asked again about music, I asked for Disney and the tech commented that she was happy someone was willing to have fun even though they were scared stiff.

I made it through the test without hitting the panic button, though I should have because I couldn’t breathe and was in full panic. I wanted so bad to make it through the test though. I focused hard on lyrics and Hope. I think next time I will just tell them I need something to calm me down. It took hours to come off the attack, but I was still proud of how I did manage to deal with it.

It’s so hard to explain to people that, while your adult mind understands these things need to happen, that the little doesn’t always. It is really dealing with a child. I think if I hadn’t been given the chance to play like I did and make a game of it, this whole experience could have been worse. A lot worse. I know it’s not always possible, but I had wished Daddy could have come, but he’s not the best at dealing with me in these type of situations. He’s is getting better and I have a semi epic story for that. I know there are a lot of littles out there that do struggle with trying to explain what it is they are feeling and what they need. This was one of those cases where I really did luck out. I’m very thankful for that. Hopefully, there is something in there that will help someone else dealing with a tough spot. I guess all I can really say is I do understand. My bestest tips are to keep a comfort item close. Hope is a small plush fox that lives in a purse pocket and has for 9 years now. She comes out when my teddy isn’t an option. Give yourself time to recover after. Take a walk, lock yourself somewhere safe for a little bit. Play, cry, do what you need to to tell yourself it’s ok. If you can, make a game of it. Today, I played dress up and pretended I was a mermaid in a cave. Silly, yes, but no one has to know what you’re thinking or giggling over.

Learn your little self! Daddys and Mommys might not always be there. You need to know how to comfort yourself in those times. It will make you stronger in the end. J

My Guilty Pleasure

Sunday morning has become the day to snuggle on the couch with a sippy cup of juice, my teddy and a blanky to watch cartoons. It’s my recovery time from the week so to speak. Heehee. 

I’ve been feeling more like myself again finally. Which has been bad for my bank account. Ania boo likes to buy toys and there is one collection of mine that, big or little, I have to pick up when I find a new doll.

I’ve been collecting Monster High dolls now for over a year I think. My first was, of course, the first run of Draculaura. She is my favorite of the group to where I have a few others of her dolls. But the first run of her (this means she was made before they switched them to being jointed at the hips. First runs where put together with elastic in their hips which often broke when trying to change their shoes) was the very very first for me. She’s pink, has piggy tails and is a vampire. What isn’t there to love! Well… her voice in the cartoons bothered me at first, but that’s even grown on me.

From left to right, standing, Abby, Cupid, Lagoona, Ghoulia, Draculaura. Sitting, Rochelle, Frankie.

Ghoulia was next and it wasn’t long before I found Lagoona and Frankie. Lagoona was my first to customize. Out of the box, her hair felt horrid. She ended up getting a boil perm to get the curls back that she needed. I still toy with giving her another one and trimming the ends of her hair. It’s still a tad frizzy.

After that, I was on a quest for Cupid. Abby was always in the back of my mind and then Rochelle. Cupid was the first I found. I love her even more once she was out of the box. The details on her where amazing. Officially, I’d been hunting for her for about 6 months from the time she was released. After getting her, I set my sites on finding Rochelle. I had people looking for them at this point.

At Wal-Mart yesterday, and on a whim, my mom and I were searching the toy aisles. After finding her first one for me a few weeks ago, she’d gotten a bit hooked on finding them. So as we’ve hunted, I’ve told/shown what dolls I’m looking for and what style exactly. When we stumbled upon the Monster High section yesterday, we were met by many dolls I haven’t even seen yet. Robecca and Venus were the only ones we spotted out of the regular dolls. I saw the new Ghouls Rule Draculaura and had her in hand. Then I found Abby and I snatched her up (I had never seen this doll until yesterday. I had given up hope of ever finding her in her everyday clothes. Yesterday, I found 4 between 2 stores.) As I dug through the display, hoping against home I’d find a Rochelle, I settled I’d be leaving with Ula D and Abby. Mom was still lobbying for me to take Robecca and part of me thinks I should have said to hell with it and grabber her too. I happened to look down and there was Rochelle, just sitting there in plain sight on top of the Create a Monster packs. There was squealing and jumping. I put back Ula D (Draculuara) and snatched up Rochelle, hid her and Abby under cat food in my cat and ran. It was the best high ever having my prize. Then the panic attack set in I was in Wal-Mart on the weekend before school and it was chaos.

My catch. Rochelle (pink box) and Abby (blue box)

Why dedicate a post to Monster High dolls on my little blog you ask? For one, I adore them and the message they give to little girls. They teach tolerance. This is a series based in the girls’ high school. They are all different, ranging from sea monsters, vampires, werewolves and even robots. They’ve even been in a campaign in real life to encourage others to not bully and be tolerant of others. How do you not love that?

I grew up in a period where all we had was Barbie. If I had had these, maybe I would have felt better about being different. Maybe the self-hating and the eating disorder wouldn’t have taken hold of me at a young age.

While these have been a bit of a money suck, it’s more about the adventure of finding them for me. There are rules. I don’t order them online. For one, they cost more often times. Also, I’ve heard horror stories about ordering from places like Wal-Mart or K-Mart (where they are often found cheapest) that the dolls will be thrashed or they won’t even send the right doll. I love the hunt of this. I love proudly tell the people at the register to bag the doll separate and to not squish her. I love claiming that they are mine and not for a niece.

Out of all the ones I have, the one I love most, I didn’t buy. She was bought for me for my birthday last year. She doesn’t live on her stand or even on the shelf with the other girls. She often will come along in my purse. She doesn’t wear her stock clothes even and she often will join me in the tub to play with bubbles. She is a Dead Tired Draculaura that my Daddy bought for me last year for my birthday. While I play with all my dolls a little, this Ula D speaks to me the most. I see her as a little like me. Maybe it’s those piggy tails or her jumper dress, but I look at her and see me and it makes me feel better on those rough days of being big too long.

My sweet little Dread Tired Ula D. She sleeps with me, travels with me and on this occasion, came to work with me for a friends last day. She's hiding from the sun here.

On Death and Time Keys

It’s Saturday night and I’m home alone, snuggled on the couch in my blanky with Theo. It’s been so crazy that I haven’t had much time for these types of little moments. So I’m savoring this one for my own sanity.

Death has been a constant black cloud over my family recently. The most recent one being someone very very dear to me, my great grandpa Murphy. He was someone I admired greatly. He taught me how to make his famous fudge and even gave me his beloved fudge pot when he decided to pass on the torch. I feel bad I didn’t make him fudge more. I wasn’t able to go to his service, but I sent a big batch of his fudge in my place. From what I’ve heard, it not only made people cry, but it was fought over and savored because it was just like his. It helped heal the hole he’s left in my heart some.

Unfortunately, there was a lot of drama around his passing with the family. Everything from how grandpa Murph was taken care of in his last months and how I ultimately found out about his passing. Add that to my mother’s own issues and I was barely able to hold a smile  or not go into sobs at the drop of a hat.

Though I have a larger adopted family online, there are some things that virtual hugs couldn’t fix. This whole situation was one of them. I spent a day snuggled against Daddy Shadow in and out of sleep. That was the day after I found out about grandpa and I was far to shattered to do much of anything except retreat into my little self and hide behind Daddy and my teddy.

I mean, I’ve colored and played dolls, but I’m so emotionally drained that I’ve become a whiny brat from it. I just want snuggles right now and know that someone is close and that, for a little while, I’m protected from the icky things in the big wide world. 

Recently, I bought a necklace that was a custom creation. It’s my personal representation of ChibiUsa’s time key and silver crystal. I wear it daily as a reminder that of who I am inside. I always admired ChibiUsa without really knowing why, but then when I got in touch of that little side of myself, I understood more. For someone 900 years old, she works hard to deal with the big wide world… but she’s also protected by her Daddy.

My Time Key and Silver Crystal. The pink sapphire on top is another ChibiUsa/ Sailor Moon reminder.

ChibiUsa's necklace from the Sailor Moon manga

Though I adore Shadow Boo, I hope that one day I have a permanent guardian.

Lines on paper

It’s October, my favorite month of the year. I decided way back in June I was going to be Alice again. I love Halloween, so I’m usually planning for the next one in December. Since I sew, I always tell myself I will start in September, but every year, it seems I’m working like a made women the last few weeks of October. Last year’s dress was sewn in a weekend. I had planned on just reusing it this year after tearing the top of it apart and fixing the goofs, but then I remembered just how much work it would be to trim it down to my current size, fix the things I massively messed up, and possible dye it a darker shade of blue. I scrapped that idea and decided it would be much less work to start from scratch.

I bought fabric in a beautiful shade of deep blue. It is a texture fabric, but it works well for what I have in mind for this version of Alice. I want to be darker and more gothicy. Plus, I have darling new Mary Janes that really needed to be shown off with a dress deserving of their awesomeness. After buying my fabric and things yesterday and washing everything, I decided today was the day to cut things out and hopefully sew.

Now, recently I’ve lost a lot of weight. Something I wasn’t trying to do at all either, which has been very nice. Today while taking out the old pattern from last year, I realized just how much weight that was. When you buy clothes, I don’t think many people realize what a huge difference sizes a couple of sizes are. I recently had to buy new things because things where falling off. My default response was, ‘Meh, you’ve just stretched out the old stuff cause you where it all the time.’, but today while cutting the pattern, it really hit home. I had made the first dress a 22 ½. I often resize patterns as I go because, well, patterns are great as a base but I customize things. The first dress was one of these Frankindresses. I also hate cutting paper patterns to size, but realized today I would have to to make the dress a size 16. When I had laid out the bodice pieces I realized just how much that was off the pattern. A 22 to a 16 was a big gap. A huge gap. Was I really that big? Needless to say that this caused a slight meltdown to where I sat and cried. I hate cutting patterns I buy, but I had to to make the dress the right size for me. But how could I have ever been that huge!? 

When I accepted the fact I was little, things like looking in the mirror took on a whole new meaning. I loved myself on the inside. So I didn’t look at the outside with the scrutiny of the average women. I loved my face and my eyes and my curves. I knew I was curvy, but I never saw myself as being huge because for the first time in forever I was happy with me, inside and out. So when I started losing weight, I didn’t notice. I honestly don’t keep track of the numbers because I think it’s stupid to stress over a number. I’ve spent so much of my life hating me, fighting with eating disorders, addiction and mental abuse that now I tend to not look at things that can cause a relapse. I am beautiful, my dress size didn’t need to tell me that.

The last month or so my parents have been raving about how great I look. That I look so much healthier and better and beautiful. I try and shrug it off because I find it a tad offensive. Wasn’t I beautiful before? I felt beautiful before. After wearing my favorite apron the other day and being told that it looks so much better on me now that it doesn’t look like it’s pasted on me, I’ve been just smiling and nodding when parentals start raving. 

I really don’t need to be on another self-hating spiral. I also know that one way or another, I’m getting out of this house early next year. No more triggers to worry about. No more being compared to siblings. My kittens will remember who their mom really is. Most importantly, I can have sippy cups and kids dishes out in plain sight without having to worry about getting the dreaded look or snide remark!

Its such silly things, I know. The past few years have been an emotional rollercoaster and honestly, I’m ready to be off of it. I’m ready to be the big little girl in the big wide world.