On Death and Time Keys

It’s Saturday night and I’m home alone, snuggled on the couch in my blanky with Theo. It’s been so crazy that I haven’t had much time for these types of little moments. So I’m savoring this one for my own sanity.

Death has been a constant black cloud over my family recently. The most recent one being someone very very dear to me, my great grandpa Murphy. He was someone I admired greatly. He taught me how to make his famous fudge and even gave me his beloved fudge pot when he decided to pass on the torch. I feel bad I didn’t make him fudge more. I wasn’t able to go to his service, but I sent a big batch of his fudge in my place. From what I’ve heard, it not only made people cry, but it was fought over and savored because it was just like his. It helped heal the hole he’s left in my heart some.

Unfortunately, there was a lot of drama around his passing with the family. Everything from how grandpa Murph was taken care of in his last months and how I ultimately found out about his passing. Add that to my mother’s own issues and I was barely able to hold a smile  or not go into sobs at the drop of a hat.

Though I have a larger adopted family online, there are some things that virtual hugs couldn’t fix. This whole situation was one of them. I spent a day snuggled against Daddy Shadow in and out of sleep. That was the day after I found out about grandpa and I was far to shattered to do much of anything except retreat into my little self and hide behind Daddy and my teddy.

I mean, I’ve colored and played dolls, but I’m so emotionally drained that I’ve become a whiny brat from it. I just want snuggles right now and know that someone is close and that, for a little while, I’m protected from the icky things in the big wide world. 

Recently, I bought a necklace that was a custom creation. It’s my personal representation of ChibiUsa’s time key and silver crystal. I wear it daily as a reminder that of who I am inside. I always admired ChibiUsa without really knowing why, but then when I got in touch of that little side of myself, I understood more. For someone 900 years old, she works hard to deal with the big wide world… but she’s also protected by her Daddy.

My Time Key and Silver Crystal. The pink sapphire on top is another ChibiUsa/ Sailor Moon reminder.

ChibiUsa's necklace from the Sailor Moon manga

Though I adore Shadow Boo, I hope that one day I have a permanent guardian.