Closing of a Year

It’s October, my favorite holiday is just around the corner. I should be sewing, but after a mentally trying couple of weeks, I’m cuddled up with a blanket, in pink jammies with both a cat and a teddy bear at my side. I just don’t have the energy to sew at the moment. Though this relaxing time to myself right now has been great too.

With Halloween around the corner, it’s always a reminder that I’ll be another year older shortly before the holiday. Mentally, I haven’t been attached to my physical age for some time now. The thought of being 27 hurts my head. It’s crazy to me to think about that. I had so many dreams for myself at this age. It’s weird to think how drastically your thinking can change because of things that happen. 

I know this next year there will be big changes. The biggest is moving back out on my own this time. I’ve had a friend offer a place after the first and I’m seriously thinking it would be a good thing. It means buying a new sewing machine, but it would be my own space without having to worry about parents going through my things or telling me it’s all downhill after 30. It also means being able to lounge around in my frilly Lolita dresses and not getting the weird looks. 

My goal before my birthday is to have my ‘costume’ done by then. I have the day off from work and plan on wearing my Alice dress all day. I don’t care if I go out or not, I just want to dress pretty and twirl around. It will be my first birthday as an open Lolita and my 3^rd as a little. My big gift to myself this years is a beautiful kitsune ball joint doll. I’ve been waiting impatiently since sending my last payment on him. Very few people know I’ve ordered him. And I can’t wait to get my hands on him to make him cute little clothes.

I’m trying to make this year positive, at least the closing of it. I’ve learned so much and done so much. I have to focus on the positive and the good things to come.

Lines on paper

It’s October, my favorite month of the year. I decided way back in June I was going to be Alice again. I love Halloween, so I’m usually planning for the next one in December. Since I sew, I always tell myself I will start in September, but every year, it seems I’m working like a made women the last few weeks of October. Last year’s dress was sewn in a weekend. I had planned on just reusing it this year after tearing the top of it apart and fixing the goofs, but then I remembered just how much work it would be to trim it down to my current size, fix the things I massively messed up, and possible dye it a darker shade of blue. I scrapped that idea and decided it would be much less work to start from scratch.

I bought fabric in a beautiful shade of deep blue. It is a texture fabric, but it works well for what I have in mind for this version of Alice. I want to be darker and more gothicy. Plus, I have darling new Mary Janes that really needed to be shown off with a dress deserving of their awesomeness. After buying my fabric and things yesterday and washing everything, I decided today was the day to cut things out and hopefully sew.

Now, recently I’ve lost a lot of weight. Something I wasn’t trying to do at all either, which has been very nice. Today while taking out the old pattern from last year, I realized just how much weight that was. When you buy clothes, I don’t think many people realize what a huge difference sizes a couple of sizes are. I recently had to buy new things because things where falling off. My default response was, ‘Meh, you’ve just stretched out the old stuff cause you where it all the time.’, but today while cutting the pattern, it really hit home. I had made the first dress a 22 ½. I often resize patterns as I go because, well, patterns are great as a base but I customize things. The first dress was one of these Frankindresses. I also hate cutting paper patterns to size, but realized today I would have to to make the dress a size 16. When I had laid out the bodice pieces I realized just how much that was off the pattern. A 22 to a 16 was a big gap. A huge gap. Was I really that big? Needless to say that this caused a slight meltdown to where I sat and cried. I hate cutting patterns I buy, but I had to to make the dress the right size for me. But how could I have ever been that huge!? 

When I accepted the fact I was little, things like looking in the mirror took on a whole new meaning. I loved myself on the inside. So I didn’t look at the outside with the scrutiny of the average women. I loved my face and my eyes and my curves. I knew I was curvy, but I never saw myself as being huge because for the first time in forever I was happy with me, inside and out. So when I started losing weight, I didn’t notice. I honestly don’t keep track of the numbers because I think it’s stupid to stress over a number. I’ve spent so much of my life hating me, fighting with eating disorders, addiction and mental abuse that now I tend to not look at things that can cause a relapse. I am beautiful, my dress size didn’t need to tell me that.

The last month or so my parents have been raving about how great I look. That I look so much healthier and better and beautiful. I try and shrug it off because I find it a tad offensive. Wasn’t I beautiful before? I felt beautiful before. After wearing my favorite apron the other day and being told that it looks so much better on me now that it doesn’t look like it’s pasted on me, I’ve been just smiling and nodding when parentals start raving. 

I really don’t need to be on another self-hating spiral. I also know that one way or another, I’m getting out of this house early next year. No more triggers to worry about. No more being compared to siblings. My kittens will remember who their mom really is. Most importantly, I can have sippy cups and kids dishes out in plain sight without having to worry about getting the dreaded look or snide remark!

Its such silly things, I know. The past few years have been an emotional rollercoaster and honestly, I’m ready to be off of it. I’m ready to be the big little girl in the big wide world.