Lazy Sunday

It’s Sunday morning and no one is home. I’m in my Tinker Bell jammies, snuggled in a blankie, watching something on archeology with my teddy bear Korick. My sippy cup is full of water down cranberry juice and have a plate of Ritz with pb&j. This is the type of therapy I’ve needed for a while. Quiet time, in the open and in a dimly lit room.

Korick

My room is set up as a safety zone, with my dolls and stuffies and books on display. But every now and then I want to snuggle on the couch and not have to worry about being questioned or made fun of about my sippy cup or my teddy. This has been something that has bothered me recently. With my current living situation, I can’t be Little as soon as I get home from work. Ideally, I would take a bubbley bath and play with my toys, get cozy in jammies and curl up with dinner and my laptop. I’ve thought a lot about moving recently and have actually had an offer to move in with friends. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it might not be the best situation. Again, I would be hiding this part of me, probably more than I do now. Ideally, I would love to be able to move in with my adopted Daddy. Even with things being on a friend bases currently, I know I would be protected and he wouldn’t mind me being snuggled up with a sippy cup.

The thought of being truly alone and out on my own has been on my mind a lot lately. Can I do it? Will cutting the ties with some of the people that have hurt me cause other problems? Will I become a recluse and only interact with people at work? Currently, I’m finding the later to be happening, but I’ve had so much going on around me recently that I’ve had no time to unwind and to be me. I’ve realized more and more just how important that is. Being depressed is not fun. It’s a place I never thought I’d be back in and I honestly don’t want to be here anymore.

How did we get here?

I remember the day the beginning of the end started. I was in the truck with Shadow on Lake Hills Connector, a funky doo road between our home and downtown. I don’t remember what the conversation was about exactly, but one thing he said stuck with me from that day onward.

“you’re a little girl who just wants her daddy to love her.”

There as a bit of kink tied to that remark, but we both knew there was truth to it as well. It hit that hidden part and I was scared. Someone knew. Someone knew the one thing I had tried so very hard to hide as deep as I could. I had locked her up in a cabinet within a closet in a bolted room. Each door leading to it had a tighter lock, and yet that day, with that comment, he unlocked the one of the first.

Though Shadow and I ended the relationship, after a brief period the friendship started again. During that time, I had lost everything and everyone I held dear. I was having issues with my own family, because I had further broken down in to a state they didn’t understand. I wanted to play with my dolls. I talked with fairies and chased butterflies. I was becoming a Little. Something they had fought to keep me from doing, but now, as an adult in her late 20’s, I fought back. This was me and for the first time ever, I felt good about me.

When Shadow and I started talking again, he noticed the change. He became more protective of me when I was in that little mindset. He was more careful and worked hard to gain my trust as a little. Late November was when he had asked if I’d call him Daddy. Even though the term wasn’t new to me since I’d had another during our brief period apart, it felt right when I used the term for him. He gave me a new name, one that I cherish and continued to work with me. He encouraged me with the things that mattered, he’d listen to my rambling at silly o’clock, scolded me when I had chocolate and pop for breakfast and held me when I was sad. Shadow knew he had someone that counted on him and looked up to him. We helped each other grow. I knew that when everyone else would turn their back on me, he’d be there with that smile. He’d stopped me from closing the door to the world and loosing something very dear to me.

It was February of this year that a huge turning point came. The cabinet was opened and that true little self, the little Lolita hiding there was let out. I felt so free in that moment. We had been lying in bed and he told me that he’d never let me go through anything icky alone again. At that moment I hadn’t realized what had happened, but when I did I cried. That purist part, that little Lolita doll in the cabinet will always be his. Just as he will always be my Daddy.