Another foot update

I have one of those big life changing blogs to post, but it's one of those ones I don't want to be more normal rambling stuff. So it's still in the works. I am due for an update though.

I was cleared to walk without the boot full time last Wednesday. I was ecstatic. I missed shoes and matching socks. While this did mean a funeral for all the single ones I’ve been wearing that have lost mates over the years, I really wanted to wear shoes again on both feet. I was told I could jump back in and not worry about it. Now when I told my physical therapist this, they were not pleased. There was concern; they urged me to get a light brace for my ankle and to still limit my time on my feet. Thursday was Thanksgiving. This is my second favorite holiday and not because of feasting (I HATE turkey) but because I get to cook, a lot. My turkey takes 24 hours in total. That’s from making the brine to having it carved and on the table. I ended up making the whole dinner. 5 hours of kitchen time, dancing and singing and all around enjoying myself. By the end of dinner though, I was in too much pain to even walk. I literally crawled to my room once out of sight of people. I was packed in ice and grounded to the couch until I crawled to bed later that night.

I was off my feet most of Friday. Saturday I did shopping with my mom, and again, pain crept up on me. Couched again with ice. Sunday and Monday I was suddenly having horrible lower back pain as well as my left hip and thigh breaking out in spasms of intense pain. I tried to blame it on other things, the makings of a kidney infection, the chairs at work, my shoes, ANYTHING but my foot.

Tonight at physical therapy, I was pushed really hard. I was pushed to the point I was in tears and flat out said that I could not do anymore. I couldn't do what they wanted me too at all. I told them about the back and pain in my leg and they said I wasn't ready to be on my feet as much as I normally am. I still have to take it easy.

I'm not a wimp by any means. This whole experience has proven to many people my pain tolerance, but it took everything I had to not cry at therapy tonight. Not just because of pain either, but because I'm so frustrated with this. I hate having a limit. When I got home, it was Mad Hatter jammies and teddy and once dinner is done, I’m back down with the heating pad.

My dad had brought up going to see King Tut next week and doing our Seattle adventure, but after tonight at therapy, I was told to not attempt it unless we drove and I not be on my feet for more than an hour at a time, maybe 2 at max. While there are other issues around things with that, I’m still rather devastated I might not get to see it. I’ve tried to not admit it to myself or let it get to me, at least not since my pity party in October. It's December and the holidays, I want to do my yearly shopping day downtown and get my favorite treats and walk the market and go to the toy stores and while I think I can swing it, I’m scared to go alone. I'm sorry this is such a rant, but everything is still so fresh in my mind. This hurts my heart and I want a cuddle.

2nd round of therapy and little things

Finished my second round of physical therapy tonight. Last time I was majorly sore once the ice wore off and am curious to see how tonight goes. While I’ve been walking around more and for longer periods of time without the boot, it still gets painful after a while. I haven’t been living on pain meds of any kind though. Maybe that’s the masochist in me.

I’ve been trying really hard to be good to myself. I haven’t felt the need to elevate my foot while at work on another chair, though I’ve been using a turned over garbage can as a foot rest. I’m scared to wear a shoe on that foot still. I’m REALLY scared I’m going to turn it again, even if I am in my shape-ups. 

Surgery was brought up again tonight, but I told them I really wanted to hold off until the left one is looked at more. Even while working today, I could tell I was leaning more heavily on the current injured foot. I also decided that I really don’t want surgery until I move. While I know that sounds stupid, there have been reminders since this happened that my family isn’t super supportive and understanding that I’m limited. Then I go and push myself too far to do everything they expect me to do. Well… I shouldn’t generalize that. It’s mainly my dad. Between my foot and my cat, it’s just reminders of why I have a hard time here. It’s hard to say I’m scared and I want this to heal right without hearing ‘get over it.’ It was that attitude that left me with a limp from my left foot. I’d like to think I’ve learned my lesson since then.

It was also a good reminder as to why I always looked for a daddy figure. Yes, I know I have some daddy issues, at the same time I’m a little girl inside that wants to play and color and occasionally build a fort in the living room. At the same time, I know when to be big. If I could now, Korick would be waiting at the front door for when I came home and there would be a sippy cup of cranberry juice in the fridge every night when I got home. That’s not even a daddy thing but more a comfort to my little self when I’ve had an ick day. I just want quite for a little bit and comfort something I didn’t get today when I got home from therapy. There was comfort in my sketch book… even though that was in short bursts as my hand would allow… I hate being fucking crippled!!!

Through all of this though, I’ve decided my neck project for my little self will be footy jammies. I’m actually really excited for this one. I’ll have to find just the right fabric for such a thing and it must match the pink binky!