Last Monday, at about 3am, I awoke having an anxiety attack. The trigger you ask? The thought of going into Seattle to meet up with a very dear friend from work. I couldn’t get back to sleep. I cuddled my bear, filled my sippy cup with warm water, heck! I even tried reading and playing a game, but nothing would help calm me back down and get back to sleep. I was sure I wasn’t going to be able to go. I was counting on the fact that I would have been too exhausted and could have made up an excuse to not go. Somehow, I managed to drift back to sleep for another hour. My friend ended up having to cancel, but I made myself go into the city anyway.
Most people don’t know I have a mass fear of going out. Straying outside of my daily routine causes me to go into huge panics. Being with someone often helps, but it’s still there. This attack was triggered by the fact I’d be going into Seattle by bus alone outside of work. It’s stupid, I know. I hate myself every time it happens. I’ve canceled interviews and dates with friends in the past. Shortly after I graduated college, there was a period where I refused to leave the house without Shadow. I just couldn’t do more then take out the trash.
Then there came a day when I made myself walk to the store. It was a few blocks down the road. I grabbed my cd player, and made the trek even though everything inside was screaming at me to stay at home. I was so proud when I made it to the store, I let myself wonder in the fabric shop too. I bought myself a package of grape tomatoes and ate every one when I got home before Shadow even got home. It was a huge deal for me. This is what began my own personal therapy to overcome the anxiety. Over the years, whenever I went out on my own, I would make sure I did a little something for myself. My favorite candy, lunch, a pretty to wear, something to reward myself for doing it. I had to keep telling myself that it was ok, I can do this and nothing bad will happen.
I might have shared this before, but here's Hope in her little pocket
Recently, even though I still have a Daddy to a degree, I do not have a lover. Shadow still encourages, supports and guards me to a degree, but the lover part has been dead for about 2 months now. It’s taken time to find a balance again, but with the realization of him being gone, I’ve found that I have a few more attacks then I’m use too. I started carrying my small stuffed fox, Hope again. She fits nicely in my purse and is good for a quick cuddle when things a rough. The attack on Memorial day was so different then the small ones I’ve had recently, that I consciously made the effort to not let it win again.
As soon as I got into downtown, I went into my favorite store and got a new makeup bag. Another Harajuku Lovers number, but I can find my nail clippers and Band-Aids now AND it was on sale!!! I then stopped and picked up a few things at an Asian dollor store, which was part of the plan for the day. A new bento box that needs to be bedazzled and some cute accessories for it. This is a project I’ll go into in another post, but I’ve been wanting to do bentos for a while now. Then it was a quick lunch and a trip into the candy store for a treat for me and my sister for laters. I walked down to Pike Place and got myself lost for a while, got some huckleberry ice cream and caught the bus to the international district. It was wonderfuly calm and quite there. It was the perfect end to my shopping trip. I bought some tasty treats for my bento, some romune and a soda for the trek back home. I decided to take the train to Tukwila, another guilty pleasure of mine.
When I got home, I texted Shadow with what I had done. I made a point to not use my phone during the day to fully give myself a day to focus on enjoying my little adventure. He was so proud I went out on my own that it was almost a reward within itself. Even without that though, I felt good I’d done it. I might have looked silly constantly checking my purse pocket to make sure Hope could see out, but I did it. For the most part, I was little when I did it too and no one looked at me any different.
I know that other littles suffer from some form of anxiety. The key I’ve found over the years is to find something that works for you. The reward system works for me. Treat yourself to a peddie or an ice cream for making it to your interview, even if you bomb it. You still did it. Meeting a friend for lunch, split a desert and know your half will be sweeter for going out and spending time with someone outside of your partners. We all have strength to overcome these things on our own. Yes, it is nice to have the additional support, but it’s good to know you can do it on your own too.
No comments:
Post a Comment