Big Changes

I know it's been awhile since I posted. Recently, my laptop, Midna, died. I'd tried to save here, but in the process of repairing the graphics card, I managed to damage one of the wires that let to the screen. I'd managed to fix the one problem though, but was getting no visual.While I know it's just a laptop, I was devastated.This was the first piece of electronics I'd been able to tear apart and repair on my own. My brother and sister had the same model and both died within a year.

While I now have a new laptop, Cadence, that I've both on my own, which is also a first, it's still not my Midna.

Aside from that, I've been kind of lost in my own depression and anxiety. I'll be moving in September into my own place. It's a nice condo with a master bedroom and a loft space. The loft will be used for me sewing room. I'm so excited for that but also extremely scared at the same time. I know I can do this. I know I'll be fine once I'm settled but between now and then...owie...

The main reason I decided to move, even though I'm not 100% ready, is because things with my mom haven't been the best. It's bounced back and forth but honestly, my sanity can't handle the constant mood swings and the blaming of other and nit picking of everything anyone does for her. It's taken such a toll on me mentally since my surgery last September.

Because of the things at home going south, my anxiety has gotten worse. I say one of my doctors, because my primary care doctor thought I was having a serious heart problem. After telling her everything that had been happening, she put me on a low dose of a heart medication that also helps with anxiety. For the most part, it helps. I don't feel like my heart is going to explode all the time. It's such a low dose that when I get to the point where things calm down, I can go off of it easy. There are still other issues I have but... I trying to focus on the fact that part of what's been causing me so much stress will be gone soon.

Hopefully I'll be able to get back to being my normal little self. Where I can curl up with Korick and Sakura Bunny and watch cartoons. My sippy cups can go in the dishwasher. I plan on getting kid dishes for myself. My stuffies will have there own place and so will my monster high collection... and daddy said that my sewing loft will be my little space.

Littles and anxiaty

Oh to be little and have a panic attack! That was a good chunk of my afternoon today! If you follow my art blog at littlenightengale.com, you know about the issues going on with my right hand. Well today was my MRI and while the adult side of me is ready to have an answer to years of pain, the little side had something else to say entirely.

I’ve battled anxiety since I was young. There was a brief period where it had won over and I couldn’t leave the house, but I’m a fighter. People don’t understand what kind of place you’re in when EVERYTHING scares you. I understand that. It wasn’t until recently I had opened up about those months to my Daddy. It’s been a long battle, but I have gotten a lot better with managing it without medication. When I think back on the huge change since then, I do feel proud. Anyway, back to my story!

While in my adult mind I was ready for this and for answers, the little side went into a panic. I’ve had an MRI before. Other than being really loud, it’s not a huge deal, but 30 minutes before my appointment, I was scared to death. I felt the attack building and I kept trying to talk myself out of it. I walked across the parking lot to the main hospital and got upstairs. While the receptionist had no idea until I told her (we always recognize our own!) that I was freaking out. She was awesome though and took longer then she should have checking me in, which was cool. I got a new drink recipe out of it. While I waited to be taken back, I kept trying to text Daddy. I was still trying to hide the panic at this point. This was a public place. I had to keep the big girl pants on until I could lock myself in the empty office back at work. I had no reception on my phone (damn hospital network!!!) and it was now 10 minutes after my appointment and I was still in the waiting room.

Finally, another receptionist came out and said she was taking me to another MRI area. As we walked, she kept apologizing for the inconvenience. I explained that I worked for a clinic across the street. Emergencies happen and I understand completely, I was just happy I was still able to be seen. I have a habit of being super chatty. I am happy where I work and how great the hospital is so I will talk up others outside of my own clinic when I get the chance. This helped get my mind of the growing panic and little outburst I felt coming. I was scared my voice would switch on me and I’d be talking like a toddler. I don’t always noticed this switch. I did not want it to happen in such a public area!

The receptionist continued to explain that this MRI machine was newer and also reserved for MS patients. This brought the panic on again because that’s another diagnoses that has been thrown around with my problem. The switch in rooms was a blessing though. The office was quiet and empty. It was so much warmer then the main hospital diagnostic testing area. There were only 2 techs working this office. Except for another patient, it was empty. The tech that first greeted me was so nice and sunny. When I was taken back to change, the little side realized this was a safe place. I had been given scrubs to change into, which excited me to no end. I have never worn real scrubs before, so to me, this was dress up. I took pictures and pretended to be a medical assistant like my hero Worky Brenda.

I was still panicking and this office had no reception at all. So I still couldn’t text Daddy. To stop further panic and possible tears, Hope came out of my purse and was in my scrubs pocket. More pictures. I really can’t say way this helped, but it did in a huge way. I got to play. The sunny tech took me back for the test and I met sunny tech 2. While they swept a metal detector over me, they asked if I wanted to keep my little friend with me. I was surprised by this because I was going to ask them if they minded holding on to Hope. The tech swept the metal detector over her and said she was fine to take the test with me. She then asked if I what I wanted to listen to since the machine was so loud. While I expected this, when I was told I had my choice on Pandora Radio, my little self started screaming for Disney. I held that request. They offered a mask and misted it with lavender and when I was asked again about music, I asked for Disney and the tech commented that she was happy someone was willing to have fun even though they were scared stiff.

I made it through the test without hitting the panic button, though I should have because I couldn’t breathe and was in full panic. I wanted so bad to make it through the test though. I focused hard on lyrics and Hope. I think next time I will just tell them I need something to calm me down. It took hours to come off the attack, but I was still proud of how I did manage to deal with it.

It’s so hard to explain to people that, while your adult mind understands these things need to happen, that the little doesn’t always. It is really dealing with a child. I think if I hadn’t been given the chance to play like I did and make a game of it, this whole experience could have been worse. A lot worse. I know it’s not always possible, but I had wished Daddy could have come, but he’s not the best at dealing with me in these type of situations. He’s is getting better and I have a semi epic story for that. I know there are a lot of littles out there that do struggle with trying to explain what it is they are feeling and what they need. This was one of those cases where I really did luck out. I’m very thankful for that. Hopefully, there is something in there that will help someone else dealing with a tough spot. I guess all I can really say is I do understand. My bestest tips are to keep a comfort item close. Hope is a small plush fox that lives in a purse pocket and has for 9 years now. She comes out when my teddy isn’t an option. Give yourself time to recover after. Take a walk, lock yourself somewhere safe for a little bit. Play, cry, do what you need to to tell yourself it’s ok. If you can, make a game of it. Today, I played dress up and pretended I was a mermaid in a cave. Silly, yes, but no one has to know what you’re thinking or giggling over.

Learn your little self! Daddys and Mommys might not always be there. You need to know how to comfort yourself in those times. It will make you stronger in the end. J

My Guilty Pleasure

Sunday morning has become the day to snuggle on the couch with a sippy cup of juice, my teddy and a blanky to watch cartoons. It’s my recovery time from the week so to speak. Heehee. 

I’ve been feeling more like myself again finally. Which has been bad for my bank account. Ania boo likes to buy toys and there is one collection of mine that, big or little, I have to pick up when I find a new doll.

I’ve been collecting Monster High dolls now for over a year I think. My first was, of course, the first run of Draculaura. She is my favorite of the group to where I have a few others of her dolls. But the first run of her (this means she was made before they switched them to being jointed at the hips. First runs where put together with elastic in their hips which often broke when trying to change their shoes) was the very very first for me. She’s pink, has piggy tails and is a vampire. What isn’t there to love! Well… her voice in the cartoons bothered me at first, but that’s even grown on me.

From left to right, standing, Abby, Cupid, Lagoona, Ghoulia, Draculaura. Sitting, Rochelle, Frankie.

Ghoulia was next and it wasn’t long before I found Lagoona and Frankie. Lagoona was my first to customize. Out of the box, her hair felt horrid. She ended up getting a boil perm to get the curls back that she needed. I still toy with giving her another one and trimming the ends of her hair. It’s still a tad frizzy.

After that, I was on a quest for Cupid. Abby was always in the back of my mind and then Rochelle. Cupid was the first I found. I love her even more once she was out of the box. The details on her where amazing. Officially, I’d been hunting for her for about 6 months from the time she was released. After getting her, I set my sites on finding Rochelle. I had people looking for them at this point.

At Wal-Mart yesterday, and on a whim, my mom and I were searching the toy aisles. After finding her first one for me a few weeks ago, she’d gotten a bit hooked on finding them. So as we’ve hunted, I’ve told/shown what dolls I’m looking for and what style exactly. When we stumbled upon the Monster High section yesterday, we were met by many dolls I haven’t even seen yet. Robecca and Venus were the only ones we spotted out of the regular dolls. I saw the new Ghouls Rule Draculaura and had her in hand. Then I found Abby and I snatched her up (I had never seen this doll until yesterday. I had given up hope of ever finding her in her everyday clothes. Yesterday, I found 4 between 2 stores.) As I dug through the display, hoping against home I’d find a Rochelle, I settled I’d be leaving with Ula D and Abby. Mom was still lobbying for me to take Robecca and part of me thinks I should have said to hell with it and grabber her too. I happened to look down and there was Rochelle, just sitting there in plain sight on top of the Create a Monster packs. There was squealing and jumping. I put back Ula D (Draculuara) and snatched up Rochelle, hid her and Abby under cat food in my cat and ran. It was the best high ever having my prize. Then the panic attack set in I was in Wal-Mart on the weekend before school and it was chaos.

My catch. Rochelle (pink box) and Abby (blue box)

Why dedicate a post to Monster High dolls on my little blog you ask? For one, I adore them and the message they give to little girls. They teach tolerance. This is a series based in the girls’ high school. They are all different, ranging from sea monsters, vampires, werewolves and even robots. They’ve even been in a campaign in real life to encourage others to not bully and be tolerant of others. How do you not love that?

I grew up in a period where all we had was Barbie. If I had had these, maybe I would have felt better about being different. Maybe the self-hating and the eating disorder wouldn’t have taken hold of me at a young age.

While these have been a bit of a money suck, it’s more about the adventure of finding them for me. There are rules. I don’t order them online. For one, they cost more often times. Also, I’ve heard horror stories about ordering from places like Wal-Mart or K-Mart (where they are often found cheapest) that the dolls will be thrashed or they won’t even send the right doll. I love the hunt of this. I love proudly tell the people at the register to bag the doll separate and to not squish her. I love claiming that they are mine and not for a niece.

Out of all the ones I have, the one I love most, I didn’t buy. She was bought for me for my birthday last year. She doesn’t live on her stand or even on the shelf with the other girls. She often will come along in my purse. She doesn’t wear her stock clothes even and she often will join me in the tub to play with bubbles. She is a Dead Tired Draculaura that my Daddy bought for me last year for my birthday. While I play with all my dolls a little, this Ula D speaks to me the most. I see her as a little like me. Maybe it’s those piggy tails or her jumper dress, but I look at her and see me and it makes me feel better on those rough days of being big too long.

My sweet little Dread Tired Ula D. She sleeps with me, travels with me and on this occasion, came to work with me for a friends last day. She's hiding from the sun here.

Scared of the Big Wide World

Last Monday, at about 3am, I awoke having an anxiety attack. The trigger you ask? The thought of going into Seattle to meet up with a very dear friend from work. I couldn’t get back to sleep. I cuddled my bear, filled my sippy cup with warm water, heck! I even tried reading and playing a game, but nothing would help calm me back down and get back to sleep. I was sure I wasn’t going to be able to go. I was counting on the fact that I would have been too exhausted and could have made up an excuse to not go. Somehow, I managed to drift back to sleep for another hour. My friend ended up having to cancel, but I made myself go into the city anyway.

Most people don’t know I have a mass fear of going out. Straying outside of my daily routine causes me to go into huge panics. Being with someone often helps, but it’s still there. This attack was triggered by the fact I’d be going into Seattle by bus alone outside of work. It’s stupid, I know. I hate myself every time it happens. I’ve canceled interviews and dates with friends in the past. Shortly after I graduated college, there was a period where I refused to leave the house without Shadow. I just couldn’t do more then take out the trash. 

Then there came a day when I made myself walk to the store. It was a few blocks down the road. I grabbed my cd player, and made the trek even though everything inside was screaming at me to stay at home. I was so proud when I made it to the store, I let myself wonder in the fabric shop too. I bought myself a package of grape tomatoes and ate every one when I got home before Shadow even got home. It was a huge deal for me. This is what began my own personal therapy to overcome the anxiety. Over the years, whenever I went out on my own, I would make sure I did a little something for myself. My favorite candy, lunch, a pretty to wear, something to reward myself for doing it. I had to keep telling myself that it was ok, I can do this and nothing bad will happen.

 I might have shared this before, but here's Hope in her little pocket

Recently, even though I still have a Daddy to a degree, I do not have a lover. Shadow still encourages, supports and guards me to a degree, but the lover part has been dead for about 2 months now. It’s taken time to find a balance again, but with the realization of him being gone, I’ve found that I have a few more attacks then I’m use too. I started carrying my small stuffed fox, Hope again. She fits nicely in my purse and is good for a quick cuddle when things a rough. The attack on Memorial day was so different then the small ones I’ve had recently, that I consciously made the effort to not let it win again.

As soon as I got into downtown, I went into my favorite store and got a new makeup bag. Another Harajuku Lovers number, but I can find my nail clippers and Band-Aids now AND it was on sale!!! I then stopped and picked up a few things at an Asian dollor store, which was part of the plan for the day. A new bento box that needs to be bedazzled and some cute accessories for it. This is a project I’ll go into in another post, but I’ve been wanting to do bentos for a while now. Then it was a quick lunch and a trip into the candy store for a treat for me and my sister for laters. I walked down to Pike Place and got myself lost for a while, got some huckleberry ice cream and caught the bus to the international district. It was wonderfuly calm and quite there. It was the perfect end to my shopping trip. I bought some tasty treats for my bento, some romune and a soda for the trek back home. I decided to take the train to Tukwila, another guilty pleasure of mine. 

When I got home, I texted Shadow with what I had done. I made a point to not use my phone during the day to fully give myself a day to focus on enjoying my little adventure. He was so proud I went out on my own that it was almost a reward within itself. Even without that though, I felt good I’d done it. I might have looked silly constantly checking my purse pocket to make sure Hope could see out, but I did it. For the most part, I was little when I did it too and no one looked at me any different. 

I know that other littles suffer from some form of anxiety. The key I’ve found over the years is to find something that works for you. The reward system works for me. Treat yourself to a peddie or an ice cream for making it to your interview, even if you bomb it. You still did it. Meeting a friend for lunch, split a desert and know your half will be sweeter for going out and spending time with someone outside of your partners. We all have strength to overcome these things on our own. Yes, it is nice to have the additional support, but it’s good to know you can do it on your own too.