Readjusting

I know it's been awhile. I officially moved into my own space in January and have been on my own since. Shadow comes in and out. His job has had him busy up until this weekend. I love my own space. It's quite. I can keep the lights dim and if the mood strikes me, I can sew all night.

What sucks is that I've had such a hard time adjusting my own inner self. It's almost like little and big have been fighting. Couple that with guilt trips from home and more chaos at the work place, I've been in a chaos state.

After more chaos and drama, I scheduled an emergency day off last Friday. I knew I was crashing and it was going to be bad. And it was. I didn't leave bed on Friday. It was safe under the comforter. I caught up on cartoons. I slept. Saturday was similar. Saturday it became Shadow mission to make sure I relax. I've avoided the computer and my phone. I've dodged phone calls. Just the thought of dealing with people and their energy was to much. Today, Shadow finally decided to leave me for a bit. I know it sounds crazy, but the thought of going outside on my own, even to get the mail, that was to much.

This usually happens once a year. Where I curl up into myself and take refuge in the fact I'm little. There has been so much I've tried to deal with lately, that my usual scheduled time was put on hold. While I'm proud of the fact I made it as long as I did, it was to much of a push. Part of me wonders if I can even manage going to work in the morning. The last couple weeks where hard on me emotionally.

I like to think I have good control of my anxiety. I have been doing more. I've been able to go out on my own to the store and the fabric store. I even made it to get my ring fixed! I want to think this will pass. That I'll wake up and my energy will be back. I know I need more then a couple days.

Back to little... sorta

It's nice to see that Sakura Bunny has been taking over for me while I've been recovering. It's been kind of hard on me, but I've been thankful that both Korick and Sakura Bunny have been there to cuddle when I've had bad times. I haven't really been up for much of anything. I've re-centered though and am feeling more like myself and little.

It's been easier to deal with emotions since I got back to being my little self. I still amaze myself at how much easier it is to process things when I'm back in my little mindset. This experience has helped me see the difference between being myself and being the true 4 year old. I know Daddy tried really hard to be there, but I also know I did burn him out early on about the time I started going a bit manic and not sleeping. When I was in the hospital though and they where sticking needles in me and all of that. Shadow was right there when I cried for him and held my hand. Before he left for the night, he tucked Korick into bed with me and told me that he'd have his phone on if I needed him. Which of course I did... until about 2 am.

I've been scared to use my crayons and color books and to draw. My mom took and hid my sewing machine. I tried to sew once already and it didn't end well. The project turned out, but there was sobbing... a lot of it and pain. So, hiding with Korick has been what the agenda has been for the past few days since then.

Now, on to cupcake flavored goldfish crackers and cartoons.

Updates from Sakura Bunny

 

Haha! You hadn't heard the last from me! Mom's not been feeling all that well lately, so I'm giving an update so she can rest. Aren't I the sweetest?!

Korick recently ordered himself scrubs and is trying to pass himself off as a doctor. The past few days he's been going to work with Mom. He said she was needing 24 care. I think he was making stuff up to go back to work with her. Either way, the people in Mom's office are SUPER nice to him when he goes and always excited to see him. Last week, they even gave him his own desk to work at!

He's still trying to pass off as a doctor. One of the doctors Mom works with said that he might be a little short to work in the OR. Another nurse that works with the people that will be fixing Mom said that even though he has scrubs, doesn't mean his medical license if valid to work in the OR with them. But she did say he can stay with her until she goes into surgery and for course stay with her over night. He's still trying to convince them he can assist in the procedure. I don't buy it. I don't think playing Doctor X: Vampire Edition qualifies as medical schooling.

He has been doing a super job of helping Mom though and I guess that's what's important. Even if it's just by bringing a smile to her face... and often times to others.

On Friday, he was a Jedi. He almost got stolen twice for his cuteness.

So while Korick has been busy with Mom, I've been helping her pick out comfy cuddly things. My Favorite is this super soft and super cuddly blanket. It's light weight and just dreamy to snuggle with.

Luna B agrees. She's been sleeping on it every chance she gets no matter where it is!

I also suggest Mom get some new jammies since the ones grandma promised to make are still not even cut yet. We found these awesome black cat ones and some really cute Hello Kitty ankle socks! Of course they are Halloween themed... but that didn't seem to phase Mom to much.

The pink slippers are the newest purchase. The nurse Mom had talked with the other day had suggested bringing a pair since Mom will be sleeping over at the hospital. We'd found this super cool pair of Monster High slippers but... they where out of Mom's size. We tried a couple different stores but didn't have any luck. We found this pink pair that are really soft and comfortable AND they have bottoms with grips so Mom won't slip and hurt herself. This was a slipper feature Grandma was adimate about seeing as how mom has a bad track record with hurting herself.

Yesterday we went out with Daddy. We got ramon noodles and Mom curled up and slept when she got to his house. There was some much needed cuddle time with the 4 of us (Simba kitty curled up with us on the bed and Daddy was trying to find where he could fit! XD) Mama lost her hoodie recently and she was threatening to steal one of Daddy's. He said he had the perfect one for her to keep forever since he couldn't wear it.

ISN'T IT AWESOME!!! It actually goes with mine and Korick's travel bag!

That really about wraps it up for what's been going on. This week might be high stress for Mama. She actually asked me if I wanted to come with her to work tomorrow! Of course I said yes! I will try and explore and get some pictures. Korick says that while it's a lot of fun to go to work with Mom, we're there to do a job. Most of the time it's to take care of Mom, but sometimes it's to make others smile too. I'm a little nervous because that's a lot of responsibility. Korick's tried to teach me what he knows but... well we will see. I still have to decide what to wear!!!

The Importance of Stuffies

About a month ago, I finally broke down and took Korick into Build-a-Bear workshop for a restuffing. As I've posted in the past, I had toyed with doing it on my own. I sew... a lot and rather well. I make dolls and my little play clothes and anything else I can come up with. I've restored stuffies before. When it came to Korick however, I couldn't bring myself to take the seam ripper to him. I was so distraught over the thought, friends from across the pond, even Daddy Shadow at one time, offered to do it if BABW no longer offered the service.

You really can't tell just how 'well loved' he is with clothes on.

Even after I had it confirmed they still will restful a bear, I stalled on doing it. The closest store is about a half hour from my home. Calling in a favor and an excuse for a double date with a friend, Daddy and I trekked out to Tacoma with Korick in tow. The closer we got to the BABW, the more I tried to bargain out of taking him in. Needless to say that didn't work. So we carried more poor deflated bear through the mall.

Now, I've been in to Build-a-Bear maybe once before. I went in to look for a brief moment, but this was at a time when I was not comfortable with who I was so I promptly ran out. The thought crossed my mind and I was easily distracted by a stuffed Pinkie Pie that I NEEDED TO HAVE!!!! Shadow pulled me in to a line at the register. The little girl in front of us was covered in ice cream and her dad was buying her a Pinkie Pie, to which I voice my want of the pretty pink pony again and was told no. Repeatedly.

Me: "Please!!!!"

Daddy: "No..."

Me: "But her daddy is getting her one!!!!"

Daddy: "Ania Boo, I will gladely carry a box from here through the mall. I will defend that box and my man hood through this mall, but I will not carry a pink pony in a girly back pack through this mall."

How is she NOT cute!?

While I do agree with him, I was mentally 4 at the time and this made no sense. I wanted the damn pony. I still want the pony, but I can't click that buy button on the website.

Anyway, we got to the counter and pulled out Korick from his hiding place in my bag. The sales rep was so excited to see such an old bear. She shouted to the other reps to come look at him. She started asking us about him and of course we explained his whole story. While she was doing this, she lifted his shirt and pulled out a pair of scissors. While what happened next is a bit of a blur, all I vividly remember is fighting back tears. She had cut open his back seam in one quick motion. So quick I think both Shadow and I were caught off guard. He swears I cried out, I don't remember it. I do remember him frantically trying to cover my eyes as she was rooting around inside poor Korick. It was too late at that moment. I was trying to so hard not to cry. There was no adult in me at that moment, I was full little. Shadow knew it, I knew it and I'm pretty sure the rep knew it as soon as she handed me Korick's heart to hold on to so it wouldn't get lost. I held on to that thing like my life depended on it. At that moment I was pretty sure my life did. She handed my poor cut open bear back to us and told us to wait by the stuffer to get him fluffed.

It was horrible. I could not stop crying. Shadow had to hold Korick because I was sure he was going to bleed out on me. He kept saying it was ok, Korick was ok, I'd be ok, everything was fine. We both knew this wasn't fine. I had already planned on making a friend, Shadow used that as a distraction. It failed... I could not stop crying. There where kids everywhere and I'm 28 and crying in a toy store. But I was 4 and my best friend was not given proper sedation and neither was I. I should have drank more at lunch.

After a tantrum and more crying, I picked out a new friend. They didn't have the HaraJuku Panda I had originally wanted and Pinkie Pie was off limits *grumble grumble* so we picked out a pink sakura flower themed bunny. I've never been a fan of the bunnies. I was crushed last year when I missed the sakura bear they had, but Shadow insisted that she was the one meant for me. He still had to hold on to Korick. I couldn't even look at him. I went between incontrollable sobbing and then pouting over them not having any of the HaraJuku Hugs pieces I wanted. I'm pretty sure Pinkie Pie was brought up again somewhere in there too.

After what seemed like forever of Korick bleeding all over the store (he wasn't, but dude, his heart was in my pocket! this cannot be healthy for a bear!!!) we got up to the front of the line for the stuffing machine. The poor kid working it was about to go on break, but see that we had no small children with us, she motioned us over. She started talking to us about Korick while she undressed him. This poor girl was an angel because she did pick up on how important he was and seeing I was in meltdown mode, she treated me like she would any other little kid having a meltdown. She was patient and that was something I greatly appreciated at that point because it's a rare person that understand an adult little in a meltdown.

There where hug tests to which both Shadow and I had to agree on. Shadow voted for Korick being buffer since he works so hard defending from monsters at night when he's not there. She asked if we wanted a new heart to which we both quickly said no too. We opted for no new wishes either, there is a sentiment in that heart as it is. Even the thought about it makes me tear up now. She asked if it was ok if she took Korick in back for further care in recovery (she had to stitch him up, but she wasn't going to tell us that. I might have bawled again -_-). She started on the pink bunny, that by that time I was referring to as Sakura Bunny. I hadn't even noticed I'd named it in all honesty. I had a cupcake scentiment put inside her which smells AMAZING!!! Though now I wish I'd done cotton candy since it is my all-time favorite.

Korick the Jedi Master and Sakura Bunny

While she took Korick to recovery, Shadow and I shopped for clothes for Sakura Bunny. Like any guy, he wasn’t too interested in this until I mentioned Korick needing a Jedi outfit. After 9 years, the poor bear has earned at least that much. When we got up to the counter with Sakura Bunny, they had Korick waiting there, all stitched up and dressed. After we paid, Shadow asked if I wanted ice cream. That’s about when the adult side started coming back and I realized how silly I’d been… then made it worse by getting cotton candy ice cream.

Princess Sakura Sparkle Bunny

 This was really the day that being little really set in, or at least what it means to be truly little. While I do still have my Care Bear from childhood, Korick is the one that my little self gravitated too. Even before I knew I was little. Rational thought left that day. I know he’s just stuffing and fake fur, but to the little self, he’s EVERYTHING. He’s comfort. I know he’s waiting when I get home. I think every little needs that cuddly that smells like home that speaks to their soul and keeps the monsters away. Maybe it isn’t a gift from someone, maybe even a gift to yourself. They are someone that won’t turn their back on you.

Littles and anxiaty

Oh to be little and have a panic attack! That was a good chunk of my afternoon today! If you follow my art blog at littlenightengale.com, you know about the issues going on with my right hand. Well today was my MRI and while the adult side of me is ready to have an answer to years of pain, the little side had something else to say entirely.

I’ve battled anxiety since I was young. There was a brief period where it had won over and I couldn’t leave the house, but I’m a fighter. People don’t understand what kind of place you’re in when EVERYTHING scares you. I understand that. It wasn’t until recently I had opened up about those months to my Daddy. It’s been a long battle, but I have gotten a lot better with managing it without medication. When I think back on the huge change since then, I do feel proud. Anyway, back to my story!

While in my adult mind I was ready for this and for answers, the little side went into a panic. I’ve had an MRI before. Other than being really loud, it’s not a huge deal, but 30 minutes before my appointment, I was scared to death. I felt the attack building and I kept trying to talk myself out of it. I walked across the parking lot to the main hospital and got upstairs. While the receptionist had no idea until I told her (we always recognize our own!) that I was freaking out. She was awesome though and took longer then she should have checking me in, which was cool. I got a new drink recipe out of it. While I waited to be taken back, I kept trying to text Daddy. I was still trying to hide the panic at this point. This was a public place. I had to keep the big girl pants on until I could lock myself in the empty office back at work. I had no reception on my phone (damn hospital network!!!) and it was now 10 minutes after my appointment and I was still in the waiting room.

Finally, another receptionist came out and said she was taking me to another MRI area. As we walked, she kept apologizing for the inconvenience. I explained that I worked for a clinic across the street. Emergencies happen and I understand completely, I was just happy I was still able to be seen. I have a habit of being super chatty. I am happy where I work and how great the hospital is so I will talk up others outside of my own clinic when I get the chance. This helped get my mind of the growing panic and little outburst I felt coming. I was scared my voice would switch on me and I’d be talking like a toddler. I don’t always noticed this switch. I did not want it to happen in such a public area!

The receptionist continued to explain that this MRI machine was newer and also reserved for MS patients. This brought the panic on again because that’s another diagnoses that has been thrown around with my problem. The switch in rooms was a blessing though. The office was quiet and empty. It was so much warmer then the main hospital diagnostic testing area. There were only 2 techs working this office. Except for another patient, it was empty. The tech that first greeted me was so nice and sunny. When I was taken back to change, the little side realized this was a safe place. I had been given scrubs to change into, which excited me to no end. I have never worn real scrubs before, so to me, this was dress up. I took pictures and pretended to be a medical assistant like my hero Worky Brenda.

I was still panicking and this office had no reception at all. So I still couldn’t text Daddy. To stop further panic and possible tears, Hope came out of my purse and was in my scrubs pocket. More pictures. I really can’t say way this helped, but it did in a huge way. I got to play. The sunny tech took me back for the test and I met sunny tech 2. While they swept a metal detector over me, they asked if I wanted to keep my little friend with me. I was surprised by this because I was going to ask them if they minded holding on to Hope. The tech swept the metal detector over her and said she was fine to take the test with me. She then asked if I what I wanted to listen to since the machine was so loud. While I expected this, when I was told I had my choice on Pandora Radio, my little self started screaming for Disney. I held that request. They offered a mask and misted it with lavender and when I was asked again about music, I asked for Disney and the tech commented that she was happy someone was willing to have fun even though they were scared stiff.

I made it through the test without hitting the panic button, though I should have because I couldn’t breathe and was in full panic. I wanted so bad to make it through the test though. I focused hard on lyrics and Hope. I think next time I will just tell them I need something to calm me down. It took hours to come off the attack, but I was still proud of how I did manage to deal with it.

It’s so hard to explain to people that, while your adult mind understands these things need to happen, that the little doesn’t always. It is really dealing with a child. I think if I hadn’t been given the chance to play like I did and make a game of it, this whole experience could have been worse. A lot worse. I know it’s not always possible, but I had wished Daddy could have come, but he’s not the best at dealing with me in these type of situations. He’s is getting better and I have a semi epic story for that. I know there are a lot of littles out there that do struggle with trying to explain what it is they are feeling and what they need. This was one of those cases where I really did luck out. I’m very thankful for that. Hopefully, there is something in there that will help someone else dealing with a tough spot. I guess all I can really say is I do understand. My bestest tips are to keep a comfort item close. Hope is a small plush fox that lives in a purse pocket and has for 9 years now. She comes out when my teddy isn’t an option. Give yourself time to recover after. Take a walk, lock yourself somewhere safe for a little bit. Play, cry, do what you need to to tell yourself it’s ok. If you can, make a game of it. Today, I played dress up and pretended I was a mermaid in a cave. Silly, yes, but no one has to know what you’re thinking or giggling over.

Learn your little self! Daddys and Mommys might not always be there. You need to know how to comfort yourself in those times. It will make you stronger in the end. J