Birthday Nails

Pinkie Pie inspired nails

I don't normally do things for my birthday. Since I was little, I've believed I was hexed. Bad things just seem to happen around my birthday, either to me or the people I love. After last year with the broken ankle and one of my cats being a problem child, I again thought that maybe, just maybe, this one might be different.

While I was 2 weeks out of surgery, my nail lady and I discussed having my birthday at the salon. They actually do do parties there. So, I set it up. I wasn't in my right mind when I did either so it never made it into my phone.

Fast forward to this week. I had no memory of even setting this up. None. Wednesday, family was asking about times and what not right after a day where I'd forgotten had a physical therapy appointment and how to do a major part of my job. To top things off, to calm down after the pt incident, I went for a long walk in my beloved graveyard. It was to much. I had a meltdown. I told everyone where to shove it and that all I wanted was a happy meal in a pink Draculaura bucket, an ice cream cake and to be left alone. So my sister planned my party.

It was wonderful. Miss Christina had cake and even got me a new little stuffed friend. There was wine... well I had half a glass, wine isn't one of my things. I wanted to enjoy time with my mom and sister and brother's girlfriend. I was happy and little and giggly.

Birthday goodies!!!

New little friend!

 The downside. The night before one of my sister's childhood friends took a turn for the worst. She's loosing her fight against cancer. Her birthday is on the 31st and if she makes it, she'll be 27. I told my sister that we can do my party another day. I insisted in fact because I knew she wasn't going to be up for it. She pushed that it was my birthday and since I don't party hard, the nail date was happening. Before we even left the house for the spa, my mom had a meltdown of her own and was miserable almost the whole time. There was a brief moment when she fell asleep that she seemed happy. Nothing could cheer her up. By the end of it, I was just ready to go home and take a nap and be done with the day.

My dinner wasn't much better. Talk revolved around death and how the sister's friend was fairing. Mom was still in her own little meltdown and then booze started flowing. So... I went into hiding. Shadow was over and hanging out with the men folk. I don't think he caught how shattered I was until late into the evening and that's when he decided I needed sake.

Today wasn't much better and I know Shadow tried. I'm not doing this again next year. What makes me more upset about the whole thing is that I was little. I was excited and happy and wanted this to be a good thing. I turn 30 next year and I'm not celebrating it. I'm not having my little girl heart shattered again because things fall apart around me and everyone feels like shit because they've ruined my birthday. When booze was thrown into the mix, it just made me feel more awkward around my family because I don't really care to drink. It really makes it hard to have discussions with people when they are mourning a life being cut short and your thinking of how awesome it would be to have a bed with guard rails. (seriously, I want a crib. Think of how awesome that would be! And how safe you'd feel!!! ok... maybe it's just me)

I need to make big changes for 29. Big, just for Ania changes. I know I pledge that every birthday, but this time it has to happen. My arm is healing, even though it's slow. I'm looking at it as a sign things will get better and that I can get back to that happy little carefree place again.

Littles and anxiaty

Oh to be little and have a panic attack! That was a good chunk of my afternoon today! If you follow my art blog at littlenightengale.com, you know about the issues going on with my right hand. Well today was my MRI and while the adult side of me is ready to have an answer to years of pain, the little side had something else to say entirely.

I’ve battled anxiety since I was young. There was a brief period where it had won over and I couldn’t leave the house, but I’m a fighter. People don’t understand what kind of place you’re in when EVERYTHING scares you. I understand that. It wasn’t until recently I had opened up about those months to my Daddy. It’s been a long battle, but I have gotten a lot better with managing it without medication. When I think back on the huge change since then, I do feel proud. Anyway, back to my story!

While in my adult mind I was ready for this and for answers, the little side went into a panic. I’ve had an MRI before. Other than being really loud, it’s not a huge deal, but 30 minutes before my appointment, I was scared to death. I felt the attack building and I kept trying to talk myself out of it. I walked across the parking lot to the main hospital and got upstairs. While the receptionist had no idea until I told her (we always recognize our own!) that I was freaking out. She was awesome though and took longer then she should have checking me in, which was cool. I got a new drink recipe out of it. While I waited to be taken back, I kept trying to text Daddy. I was still trying to hide the panic at this point. This was a public place. I had to keep the big girl pants on until I could lock myself in the empty office back at work. I had no reception on my phone (damn hospital network!!!) and it was now 10 minutes after my appointment and I was still in the waiting room.

Finally, another receptionist came out and said she was taking me to another MRI area. As we walked, she kept apologizing for the inconvenience. I explained that I worked for a clinic across the street. Emergencies happen and I understand completely, I was just happy I was still able to be seen. I have a habit of being super chatty. I am happy where I work and how great the hospital is so I will talk up others outside of my own clinic when I get the chance. This helped get my mind of the growing panic and little outburst I felt coming. I was scared my voice would switch on me and I’d be talking like a toddler. I don’t always noticed this switch. I did not want it to happen in such a public area!

The receptionist continued to explain that this MRI machine was newer and also reserved for MS patients. This brought the panic on again because that’s another diagnoses that has been thrown around with my problem. The switch in rooms was a blessing though. The office was quiet and empty. It was so much warmer then the main hospital diagnostic testing area. There were only 2 techs working this office. Except for another patient, it was empty. The tech that first greeted me was so nice and sunny. When I was taken back to change, the little side realized this was a safe place. I had been given scrubs to change into, which excited me to no end. I have never worn real scrubs before, so to me, this was dress up. I took pictures and pretended to be a medical assistant like my hero Worky Brenda.

I was still panicking and this office had no reception at all. So I still couldn’t text Daddy. To stop further panic and possible tears, Hope came out of my purse and was in my scrubs pocket. More pictures. I really can’t say way this helped, but it did in a huge way. I got to play. The sunny tech took me back for the test and I met sunny tech 2. While they swept a metal detector over me, they asked if I wanted to keep my little friend with me. I was surprised by this because I was going to ask them if they minded holding on to Hope. The tech swept the metal detector over her and said she was fine to take the test with me. She then asked if I what I wanted to listen to since the machine was so loud. While I expected this, when I was told I had my choice on Pandora Radio, my little self started screaming for Disney. I held that request. They offered a mask and misted it with lavender and when I was asked again about music, I asked for Disney and the tech commented that she was happy someone was willing to have fun even though they were scared stiff.

I made it through the test without hitting the panic button, though I should have because I couldn’t breathe and was in full panic. I wanted so bad to make it through the test though. I focused hard on lyrics and Hope. I think next time I will just tell them I need something to calm me down. It took hours to come off the attack, but I was still proud of how I did manage to deal with it.

It’s so hard to explain to people that, while your adult mind understands these things need to happen, that the little doesn’t always. It is really dealing with a child. I think if I hadn’t been given the chance to play like I did and make a game of it, this whole experience could have been worse. A lot worse. I know it’s not always possible, but I had wished Daddy could have come, but he’s not the best at dealing with me in these type of situations. He’s is getting better and I have a semi epic story for that. I know there are a lot of littles out there that do struggle with trying to explain what it is they are feeling and what they need. This was one of those cases where I really did luck out. I’m very thankful for that. Hopefully, there is something in there that will help someone else dealing with a tough spot. I guess all I can really say is I do understand. My bestest tips are to keep a comfort item close. Hope is a small plush fox that lives in a purse pocket and has for 9 years now. She comes out when my teddy isn’t an option. Give yourself time to recover after. Take a walk, lock yourself somewhere safe for a little bit. Play, cry, do what you need to to tell yourself it’s ok. If you can, make a game of it. Today, I played dress up and pretended I was a mermaid in a cave. Silly, yes, but no one has to know what you’re thinking or giggling over.

Learn your little self! Daddys and Mommys might not always be there. You need to know how to comfort yourself in those times. It will make you stronger in the end. J

In need of reasurance

About a month ago, Shadow started talking about dating again. He’d met someone. Though I’ve always known that we weren’t dating, this still caused a panic for me. I love my Daddy. He has given me so much. I know I came to this path on my own to let my inner little out, but he had given me so much during this journey. He’s protected me, encouraged me, hugged me when I needed it and cheered me on when things were going good. I know we don’t always work as a couple, but we do as Daddy/Daughter. I’m scared to death of losing my best friend. 

Part of me just wants to fade away into the background and let him move on. We’ve talked about this and I know he doesn’t want that. He still asks that I wear my ring. He’s worried about me, but I’ve been lost as to what to do now. I don’t know how to act at all. He’s work schedule has caused him to not be around like he once was. I just feel like he doesn’t need his little girl anymore. Although, I’ve been in the market for a boyfriend for a while, I’ve used Shadow as a cover to protect myself while I find myself. People scare me. A lot… I didn’t have to worry about that with him. I was protected. I was safe… I had Daddy.

A lot of people don’t know I’ve never been close to my real dad. We’ve struggled over the years. We don’t communicate much at all. In fact, the only time we are close on any level, is when my siblings aren’t around. I’m just not like them at all. Shadow had given me the daddy I had craved. He let me be a princess. When he started his new job, it was nights, and part of me was scared I’d be forgotten. My dad has worked nights all but 2 years of my life. It’s something that affected me far more than I ever thought it would. I gave Shadow time. I knew he’d need to adjust. I tried to so hard to be a big girl and not put stress on him. But then, he told me he’d met someone. He has tried hard to reassure me I wouldn’t be forgotten. This is a conversation we’ve had many times over the past 2 years.

I didn’t think it would be this hard to be in a DD/LG relationship when it’s was based on a friendship. Maybe it’s just me because I don’t understand how someone who helped save me from myself, who has known me inside and out, would suddenly change. Again… I know it’s me, I think anyway.