Find more then Snow Bite

I went to Target today with the goal of buying Snow Bite if I found her. I got to the Monster High section of the doll aisle and found a little girl and her grandma. I always get nervous when I go to raid a toy section when other people are present, but as I stood trying to keep my cool I overheard the little girl comment on all the details of the dolls she had lined up to choose from. I saw 2 on my list in her line up and I asked her if she collected. Grandma kind of looked stunned while I carried on a 10 minute conversation with this girl about her collection.

Snow Bite from Amazon

She asked who I was looking for and I told her Snow Bite and she was kind enough to tell me she already dug through the shelves and hadn't found any other then one of the ones I had. I looked again at the 2 she had in her line up on my list. I looked her in the eyes and told her that if I were to walk out of the store with one of them, it would be Jennifire because she's a really hot doll right now, but the Clawdeen would be a close second. Her face lit up when I said that. And while I didn't walk away with a doll and resisted the urge to run back to the aisle to see who she picked, I felt really good about that chat with that little girl. I saw myself in her when I was that little and she just spoke to my heart.

I don’t always talk to kids out of fear their parents will freak out, but grandma didn’t seem to mind.

Goodbye R2

Yesterday, my sweet little R2 passed on from this plane to the next. While I suspected he wasn't well, I didn't expect him to go so quickly. I had picked up a replacement perch for him since his favorite one broke, when I put it in the cage, I could tell he wasn't himself. He was eating though. About an hour later my mom told me she had heard him falling from his perch repeatedly that morning. At that moment, he fell again. I grabbed the softest towel I could find, wrapped him up in it and for the first time since I've had him, was able to hold and pet him without him trying to take my finger off.

R2 was formerly Blue Bird. I adopted him from a daycare when his mate had died. I got him as a mate for my brother's budgie that I had taken in. Unfortunately, Miss Cuddle Pie left us that same year, but I promised R2 I would let him live out his days with me. I couldn't see putting him through another adoption and shuffling him from another home or having him tormented by children again.

In the 3 years since I've had him, I only recently got him to trust me enough to sit on my finger. I couldn't take him from the cage. I couldn't hold him or pet him like I could Cuddle. I would sit and talk with him daily though. While I feel good that I kept my promise to him, I still feel bad that he's gone. I held him until the end and then I put him with Cuddle. While part of me giggles when I saw 'I lost R2!', but then it's followed by crying and littleness. While I'm happy he didn't suffer long, I'm still sad my little bird is gone.

Belated Merry Christmas

Despite the usual family drama that comes with the holidays, I had a very good Christmas. I got 5 dolls in total. 4 Monster High and 1 Pullip doll I'd been wanting, but always talked myself out of.

Black Diamond

Out of everyone this year it was Daddy that surprised me most. For one, he's had a rough year. I wasn't expecting much at all from him and had prepared myself for that. I was surprised to not only get a gifty but a couple and nothing video game related!!! Ok... maybe there was one thing, but even that was meant to appeal to my little side because there where instructions to get little appropriate gamies for my 3DS! :D I knew for sure I had a Monster High doll, what one was anyone's guess, but I opened a create a monster pack that had 2 dollies i have not had yet! So I have an art project now. Miss Diamond was different because I had taken the doll off of my Amazon wishlist about a week or so ago because I'd talked myself out of her. And yet, she's coming and it's only because she isn't a froofroo girly pink doll!

This Christmas was a bit of a milestone as it was the first I felt comfortable enough with myself to be little. This went from singing Christmas music when in little head space (which thankfully only one person witnessed!) to staying up tracking Santa on Christmas Eve. I was open about this and heck! I even wore my sleeper I made! I even didn't pay much attention when a family member, who'd I'd not seen in several months, poked fun at the fact I spent a day in my sleeper, with my teddy and a sippy cup watching cartoons. Well, at least I didn't show it outwardly.

There where things however, that brought me down. Christmas is general a hard time for me mentally, even with this year being as fun as it was. There where still those dark moments of doubt and fear and shame. While I know why they are there and what triggered them, for the most part I've tried to not focus on those things. I know that I will need to sort them out. Right now I'm just proud of the fact I didn't let them drain the fun out of the holiday.

I hope you and yours had a magical holiday season and have a bright new year. :)

Another foot update

I have one of those big life changing blogs to post, but it's one of those ones I don't want to be more normal rambling stuff. So it's still in the works. I am due for an update though.

I was cleared to walk without the boot full time last Wednesday. I was ecstatic. I missed shoes and matching socks. While this did mean a funeral for all the single ones I’ve been wearing that have lost mates over the years, I really wanted to wear shoes again on both feet. I was told I could jump back in and not worry about it. Now when I told my physical therapist this, they were not pleased. There was concern; they urged me to get a light brace for my ankle and to still limit my time on my feet. Thursday was Thanksgiving. This is my second favorite holiday and not because of feasting (I HATE turkey) but because I get to cook, a lot. My turkey takes 24 hours in total. That’s from making the brine to having it carved and on the table. I ended up making the whole dinner. 5 hours of kitchen time, dancing and singing and all around enjoying myself. By the end of dinner though, I was in too much pain to even walk. I literally crawled to my room once out of sight of people. I was packed in ice and grounded to the couch until I crawled to bed later that night.

I was off my feet most of Friday. Saturday I did shopping with my mom, and again, pain crept up on me. Couched again with ice. Sunday and Monday I was suddenly having horrible lower back pain as well as my left hip and thigh breaking out in spasms of intense pain. I tried to blame it on other things, the makings of a kidney infection, the chairs at work, my shoes, ANYTHING but my foot.

Tonight at physical therapy, I was pushed really hard. I was pushed to the point I was in tears and flat out said that I could not do anymore. I couldn't do what they wanted me too at all. I told them about the back and pain in my leg and they said I wasn't ready to be on my feet as much as I normally am. I still have to take it easy.

I'm not a wimp by any means. This whole experience has proven to many people my pain tolerance, but it took everything I had to not cry at therapy tonight. Not just because of pain either, but because I'm so frustrated with this. I hate having a limit. When I got home, it was Mad Hatter jammies and teddy and once dinner is done, I’m back down with the heating pad.

My dad had brought up going to see King Tut next week and doing our Seattle adventure, but after tonight at therapy, I was told to not attempt it unless we drove and I not be on my feet for more than an hour at a time, maybe 2 at max. While there are other issues around things with that, I’m still rather devastated I might not get to see it. I’ve tried to not admit it to myself or let it get to me, at least not since my pity party in October. It's December and the holidays, I want to do my yearly shopping day downtown and get my favorite treats and walk the market and go to the toy stores and while I think I can swing it, I’m scared to go alone. I'm sorry this is such a rant, but everything is still so fresh in my mind. This hurts my heart and I want a cuddle.

2nd round of therapy and little things

Finished my second round of physical therapy tonight. Last time I was majorly sore once the ice wore off and am curious to see how tonight goes. While I’ve been walking around more and for longer periods of time without the boot, it still gets painful after a while. I haven’t been living on pain meds of any kind though. Maybe that’s the masochist in me.

I’ve been trying really hard to be good to myself. I haven’t felt the need to elevate my foot while at work on another chair, though I’ve been using a turned over garbage can as a foot rest. I’m scared to wear a shoe on that foot still. I’m REALLY scared I’m going to turn it again, even if I am in my shape-ups. 

Surgery was brought up again tonight, but I told them I really wanted to hold off until the left one is looked at more. Even while working today, I could tell I was leaning more heavily on the current injured foot. I also decided that I really don’t want surgery until I move. While I know that sounds stupid, there have been reminders since this happened that my family isn’t super supportive and understanding that I’m limited. Then I go and push myself too far to do everything they expect me to do. Well… I shouldn’t generalize that. It’s mainly my dad. Between my foot and my cat, it’s just reminders of why I have a hard time here. It’s hard to say I’m scared and I want this to heal right without hearing ‘get over it.’ It was that attitude that left me with a limp from my left foot. I’d like to think I’ve learned my lesson since then.

It was also a good reminder as to why I always looked for a daddy figure. Yes, I know I have some daddy issues, at the same time I’m a little girl inside that wants to play and color and occasionally build a fort in the living room. At the same time, I know when to be big. If I could now, Korick would be waiting at the front door for when I came home and there would be a sippy cup of cranberry juice in the fridge every night when I got home. That’s not even a daddy thing but more a comfort to my little self when I’ve had an ick day. I just want quite for a little bit and comfort something I didn’t get today when I got home from therapy. There was comfort in my sketch book… even though that was in short bursts as my hand would allow… I hate being fucking crippled!!!

Through all of this though, I’ve decided my neck project for my little self will be footy jammies. I’m actually really excited for this one. I’ll have to find just the right fabric for such a thing and it must match the pink binky!

Halloween

Well, after a month of complete and total ick, today turned around completely. I was ready to just skip the month of October all together.

I had an appointment this morning for my ankle and was scared to death I was going to hear I've furthered damaged it. The good news is that I didn't! I'm healing well and will be starting physical therapy this week or next.

After recent events with my kitty Simba, my parents decided he is no longer welcome in the house. I was being pushed to take him to a shelter. After much searching, asking and pleading, one of my adopted mom's agreed to take him in and foster him until I am able to get my own place. I'll still get to see him and I know he will be safe. I also see this as a huge incentive to get my tail in gear to get money together to move.

After my appt this morning, I was still fairly shattered mentally about my precious kitty. I was set on not celebrating Halloween this year at all or ever again. Daddy Shadow had taken me to my appointment and I decided we where going to breakfast since he was just off work and I was so depressed. We had breaky at Poverty Bay and then went and wondered the mall. He got me to laugh and smile but got more worried when I turned down a Coke.

I admitted to not sleeping and that my stomach was starting to go to heck again and all around the physical side of all the stress lately was catching up. There was scolding and rules enforced and all that jazz. I think last night was the worst of it outside of the heart attack like panic attack towards the start of the month. I really want to get back to my normal.

Once things had settled and I knew my kitty was going to be ok, I went to work carving my pumpkin (that I've had for 2 weeks now) and all around getting back into the Halloween spirit.  My vampire princess costume never got made because of the depression, so, I took Alice out of the closet and decided that the Megatron boot I have to wear would be because I had a hard trip down the rabbit hole this last time. Hair done, contacts in and my one knee high stocking on, I was good to go for Halloween.

I decided nothing was scarier then Pinkie Pie

I'm proud of this considering how fast I worked on it.

Alice in her Megatron Boot. It's a pain in the tail running to the door to greet kids but DAMN IT!!! Someone has to do it! I'll have to ice my ankle later anyway, might as well be worth it!

All in all, I'm happy to be done with my pity party. Let's hope I never again have an October as bad as this one has been.

Another year

Another year has passed and while my objective was to make this birthday a positive one, every plan I or anyone else seemed to make fell through. I spent much of the day with my sewing machine, which really wasn’t a bad thing I guess. The highlight though was a phone call from a dear friend. She’s been such a huge help since I messed up my ankle.

On the whole ankle thing, I can walk without the crutches… mostly. My balance sucks though without at least one of them. I can be on my feet some, but in all honestly it feels like my ankle is made out of jelly. After doing some research last night (and seeing some scary surgery pictures) I’m a little more concerned about it now. I know whatever is done with this ankle, will most likely have to be done with the other down the road.

If I make it out this weekend, I might try and pick up a new doll… or I might just order one… or possibly pay off my Adventure Time game. I’m not sure yet. I want out of this funk though. No more bad news or ruined plans. I’m ready for October to be over.

Something kind of fun and depressing all at the same time. I love Adventure Time, more importantly Marceline. Anyway, since this episode aired, I've watched it every day. Yes I'm a sap and cry, but these two songs really touch me. A show that makes no sense should not touch you in the feels like this!